jellybeanies
icon, resources, host, host.

ok finally im blogging. today was teachers' day celebrations in sch and also the last day of sch for the term. dint really start well, the day today. this is how it went.
firstly i woke up quite late like around 6.40 cos i cldnt get out of bed. the weather was damn cold. had to iron my uni... bathe... thank goodness it started raining. so i could take my time and be late. went to sch alone, thought kartik would be dwnstairs waiting for me cos i dont hv a hp. but i guess i had high hopes.
walked into the sch hall, and cldnt find my class. why? cos only 3 ppl came. so they were asked to join 06A02. i was shocked. i also realised that it was aces day. dint bring my pe. totally forgot abt it cos during pe when they were teaching us the exercise routines, peijin and i were always in the canteen having breakfast. so the whole time during the exercise i slacked with xiao hui at the corner... we were like laughing at the ppl doing the stupid exercise cos they really looked ridiculous esp some teachers who did the exercise with heels.
finally the stupid thing ended and we were to have cme. which was going to be freaking awkward cos only 3 ppl... me and xiaohui sat at the back of the class feeling like shit. while mr koh stared at us. and talked to anisah. i felt even more terrible knowing that i dint buy anythg to give him and also dat i dint attend his lessons the past few days. kept going out of class, trying to call kartik with the stupid payphone cos i lost my hp 2 days ago. haiz. i'm like so destined this yr not to hv a hp. but he dint pick up. called a thousand times. i really cldnt stay in class without feeling stupid so i went to the council room to pick up some paper and brought it to class to help cut out some stars. kept myself occupied to take away the uncomfortable aura i was having.
at 9 ran out of class and with relieve, went to the council room to cut somemore and like help with the last min preparations... when i was done doing stars, walked to the stupid payphone to call him again, finally picked. i kinda regretted calling cos he sorta dint give me wad i called for. but i guess thats kartik, always short with words.
went down to the hall, sat on stage to do more stupid stars. i think teachers' day is like the occasion i helped the most so far in council. the rest of events i've been slacking, i admit. this one, i feel like as though i did some stuff at least. might not be much, but definitely more than before. russelle's band was practising, was kinda amazed by them playing one of my fav classics, sweet child o mine. at the corner of my eye, saw kartik. but i dint wanna talk. he came up next to me, gave me some money and left.
was going to do ushering so went to get ties with the other usherers. felt abit bad for giving kartik the cold shoulder. so i used desmond's hp to call him. but i guess he was too busy to meet me. so once again i kinda regret calling.
got my tie, went back to council room, saw evatte and had a personal chat with her... she's the only one i can relate certain stuff to. then met desmond who told me kartik called. i called he dint answer, so i decided to walk all the way to the canteen to find him myself. den desmond asked me to buy food. den i realised. my wallet not with me.
ran round the whole freaking sch looking for it, when i ran into the council room finally, i told jean i lost my wallet, she told me she had it. =.= i almost had a heart attack. with relief, did my ushering... and teachers' day commemorated.
after the concert, told kartik i dint wanna go out with him. he gave me his hp to hold. i called vivian and made my way to kc. but when i boarded 12, i kept looking at kartik across the road standing with that stupid harinder... stared at him until the bus left...
at kc, met darling vivian and marilyn. went up to the hall to watch wad was left of the concert. met mrs teo, mrs tan, and a few others. haha i told mrs tan i was doing well in history. hehe... she's the best hist teacher i ever had. met a few of the sec 5 ppl also... natascha and danielle included. haha kept bumping into her.
went to the canteen to eat, saw like so many ex kcians. bought food with viv. den went to buy drink. but some stupid bird went on our table. so we freaked out and bought new food. haha. ate... and waited for cheryl. she finally came... so we were like reunited. haha. sat there in the canteen for quite some time. kc reminded me of aug, so i gave him a call. dint talk much, just 3 minutes of the 10 cents i had. hahaz... we went to the piano where we saw marian and i played for her while she videoed it. lol.
3 of us met abel outside sch and decided to go to marina. took 36 there. in the bus viv and i talked abt stuff... and we listened to blink and i was singing damn loudly like a lunatic. haha. i really got reminded of martin.
we got down and had to walk to marina, at the same time passing pan pac. and guess who we met. martin. well, we walked around marina... walked ALOT. my feet were like killing me. but it was so fun. and we kept bumping into like this 3 girls who were quite punkish but one of them was a butch. loved her hair though.
after like so long of window shopping, me and viv walked abel and cher to the mrt... and while walking we noticed this short guy with nice hair and nice fashion sense staring at us all the time. he was walking same direction as us. me and viv tot his face looked like a mouse. so we were like making fun all. but he like kept staring. he was with two older guys. who were not dat gd looking. so viv and i decided to disturb him... we walked directly behind him. haha. we could see he was intimidated and scared. lol. but he still kept followiing. then suddenly....
i felt a tap on my shoulder. i turned and it was that butch. and dis is how the conversation went.
butch: hi are u gay? if u are can i have ur number?
me: ... er no i'm not gay. haha. sorry but i love ur hair though.
butch: oh then its ok nvm. thanks.
me: and i love ur eyes.
butch: haha thanks. bye!
and that was the end of the stalking. but we lost dat short guy.
cheryl and abel left. decided to bring vivian to a very punk place nearby. guess she was surprised i knew all those places. but we're gonna go shop one day for blink stuff and punk anarchy stuff. ><
we then walked to suntec, to join her family for lunch at like crystal jade. damn cool la. like everyone dere noe her. but everyone spoke canto so i felt foreign. haha. the food was good... i noe its weird but my favourite was the small mango pudding. haha. the milk was nice on the pudding. after dinner, we went home.
such a nice day.... i slpt in the bus... and came home happy.

minutes of the days.
tuesday. walked out of sch at 9... picked up ki stuff frm home, went with kartik to downtown to study for my exam. thgs went rough. went his house, rushed to sch in cab for exam. left hp in taxi.
wednesday. went to kartik house in the morning... he had my ezlink. things gt rough, went to sch late. walked out of sch at 1130. came back sch at 3. thgs got rough. i went home alone after rehearsal.




the fucking tv shows from now to 12 cancelled cos of the stupid grammies!!! fuck1!!!!! wad am i supposed to do??? hahahahaha!!!! kill myself maybe? or die? wad ???!!??? ahahahahha i'm nutssss so let me crap somemore. this is louiza the stupid stupid stupid stupid hahahaha!!!!! everything in life sucks!!! i'm gonna fail ki tmr!!! yay!!! oh gawd i havent eaten dinner!!! shit la!! aiyah just starve la!!! hahahaha!!!! yay! i tink i'm depressed1!!! am i gonna break up soon? is dat why i'm senile?!?? lol or maybe i'm fated to die crazy like all other philosophers!!! haha can u imagine! louiza joseph philosopher died from crazyness! wont that be new?? hhahaha!!! just ran away!! but no its my fault! ya its my fault! sorry sorry now i feel very guilty.. really..... shit la..... i tink its really all my fault.... why cant i stop worrying.... why cant i just be an emotionless block of wood... or doll.... just smiling all the time.... cos ya.. i'm causing everythg to be bad..... i dowan cause everything to be bad... i dowan..... i'm going crazy.... its the ki.... its the philosophy... its life.... wait its just me... i'm at fault..... i'm the stupid one..... i dowan eat.... but i very hungry.... i shall punish myself..... for making things bad.... i wont eat... i wont study... i will fail ki.... den i get to take gp!!!! hahahahahahaha!!!!! now i'm crazy again!!!!! lol!!! i'm a lunatic!!!! yay!!!!!! i bet now no one wants to be my friend!!! cos i'm crazy!!!! so just go away everyone1!!!!!! let me starve myself!!!!


lol!!! hahaha.. life sucks!!! i tink i've lost my mind!!! just like the many philosophers!!! they die from mental illness after thinking to much!!! hahaha!!!!! life sucks!!!! i got ki exam tmr!!! and i'm not done studying!!! and if i fail, they gonna make me take gp!!! yay!!! hahahaha!!!! i'm gonna watch tv from now to 12!!! and i'm also supposed to send the coucil teacher the emcee script for teacher's day by 12!!! ahahhaha!!! i suppose my inner subconsiousness will do it for me and email to her!!! while the concious crazy me watches tv!!! lalalal!!!!! i'm soo happy!!!! hahahah !!!!! i got so much worrying my mind right now!!! but who cares right!!???? lol!!! even he say i am dumb to worry!!!! useless!!! so wad??!! dun care lor.... hahah the most my life is ruined rite!??? hahahahahaha!!!!! ruin only wad!!! lol the most i commit suicide and die!!! yay!!!! heaven here i come!


LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God,
i hate to say this. but i hate sundays. since young, u noe i hated sundays. i would have to go to church, which i always found boring. but had to go cos my dad would make us go. then after church i would have to go for piano classes. for one hour. and u noe i hated it. cos i was forced to go, forced to learn. and the teacher dint really like me. and i dint like to sing in class. in front of everyone. and when i got home, mummy will always be angry with me for misbehaving in church, and i will get canning. thats why i hate sundays. i hate it to the core. hate it. i always thought why other children enjoy their sundays going out or watching cartoons while i had to go through the weekly routine.
well God, sad to say, i still hate sundays. the only time when i liked it was when aug was in my life. cos i could go church with him and we went out after that and have a nice day. now, i go to church alone. the ppl i noe, i dont think they wanna noe me. martin makes things worse, calling me a loner. but i'm not. i have plenty of friends God. just that u dint make them catholic. and sometimes, i hate that.
i'm sorry today i walked out of church. but i did listen to ur Gospel at least. just that i saw martin and the grp... and when aug came in, i cldnt take it anymore. only i and u noe wad pain i've been going through these years. please God. change my sundays. i really hate sundays.

love ur daughter.



dat song's playing now. makes me think of the past... memories when i was still with bryan... sec sch. haiz... those carefree emotionless days. now everything hurts.
well time check 0013. just finished almost revising for mr koh's math test on monday. pretty proud of myself for achieving something after a very long time of slacking. just to let ya guys noe, my previous post had some error in its stupid html. (blogger can be a real bitch when it wants to) so part of my post got cancelled. u see the part after saying kartik's sister very nice? den got some stupid looking symbols. well actually it was supposed to go on to speak about her. but blogger hates me i guess.
so ya. feelin happy. hmm decided to post a pic.






vivian rocks.


today started badly. but as the day continued, it got better. yup. so witness the day for urself dudes n dudettes!
was sleeping at like 0815 when my dreams was interrupted by sharp screamings and shoutings.... the distant consiousness of my mind registered my mother after awhile. and in my blurness i heard "DO U HAVE A SCHOOL OR NOT??!!!!?!" the shouting kept persisting. so in my irritation and blurness again, i shouted back "YA LA! OF COURSE I GOT A SCHOOL RIGHT!!!!!" den i think my mother was appauled dat i shouted back so she shouted some stuff about waking up... breaking her slp... alarm clock... den she slammed her room door. after a few minutes my head cleared and i remembered.... oh yeaa... i DO HAVE SCHOOL!!! KENNETH'S STUPID EXTRA LIT CLASS!!! so i got up... looked at the time... and started to find my hp. cos i fell asleep last night waiting for kartik to call me after his bbq... oh wells. and i guess dats another reason why i was quite frustrated in the morning cos dint get to contact him.
went to sch... went to lt5... stupid lesson started at like only 0930. waste of time man. the lesson was damn boring. raushan and co were presenting... and i was like thinking, why is kenneth so obsessed with students presenting? its like every lesson got presentation. den wads the teacher for if we can all just learn from each other? i was msging kartik who was having chem test the whole time. the stupid idiot prolonged the lesson until 1120. supposed to end at 1030. damn irritating. plus i was the last to leave la! cos he was assigning work. and i was last to get assigned. so i guess dats another reason why i was once again damn frustrated. and the pms doesnt help.
met kartik and he pissed me off. i have to admit the pms played quite a significant role. but he dint have to just walk off like dat. i was damn pissed dat i walked home in the freakin hot sun. den finally at martin's house i broke down. cried like a dork under the block like a typical emokid. then i guess dis is where the day gets better. cos kartik came from the stupid airport where he decided to go when he ditched me and came to look for me. den at first i still dint wanna give in. den he carried me all the way to loyang point. so den i felt much better. i bought ice cream den we went airport.
at airport met 2 frens and all of us were like studying. but i guess i was irritated again with kartik. cos he was irritating me. so in the bus when going home i pushed him off my shoulder when he wanted to slp. so ended up sleeping on my lap. hehe... he fetched me home... den he left. i felt bad about the day, so i took my bmx and cycled out to accompany him home. i was so in a rush dat i wore pink socks with my dads blue and red slippers. haha. kartik was shocked when i appeared next to him... walked him home... den at his house... did some tricks for him outside his house. then i wanted a drink. so i was waiting for him to come out when his sister asked me to come in. but i was like nvm. den kartik carried me in. and i was quite shy so i sat quietly and watched mtv with his sister. cos had some rifts with his mom and i dont think i made a gd impression with his bro so i dint noe wad to expect from his sister. but....
SHE WAS SO NICE!!! >< okayyy ="(">
then i cycled home... and saw the dudes downstairs... martin jumped ard with my bike while i was like haha gliding on his board.. apparently he is now working at pan pac. haiz. dat boy ah. met whats-her-name again and she was like riding my bike too... her bro was like another matt.. a few bikers dere too but told them i attached already. =) thennnn martin was going home... so i cycled while he skated all the way to aug's stop. damn fast speed. then went home...
oh and btw, cikgu rathia from my sec sch died ytd. so unexpected. always saw her as a survivor. always.


sorry for not blogging the past few days. life was sucking. one moment good, one moment crappy. so i figured wads the use? things are going to change anyway. so ya. dint have the mood. but basically i've been slacking like a lazy fuck, not doing much work and falling asleep when i'm supposed to be studying. today i ponned sch!! fuck man i dunno whether i regret it or not. but i noe i've been slacking too much already. its like every week i pon at least once. i dunno wads wrong with myself. its like i can never be good and stable and efficient. i noe i can but i just dunno how to start. take for instance my position as cg rep. frankly i dunno wad the fuck i've done so far as rep. no class tshirt no learning journey yet(which i gotta start really soon i'm just procrastinating) no teacher's day performance. man i really feel like i suck. big time. but really i dunno where to start, i've never held a position like this my entire life. since sec sch, i've never been a pro-sch enthuist. <--- if there's ever such a word. so i really dunno. i think i suck. i tink i'm gonna get sacked. its just a matter of time. anyway one reason why i dint go sch today was well, cos i was tired. lame rite. but its true. since monday i've been waking up like really late cos im too tired to go sch. i have no idea why. so today i woke up at 6.50 and as usual wondered whether i shld go to sch. then i received a msg frm peijin saying she was not going to sch. well, that made me a bit more convinced not to go. i mean the day would have been damn long. i would have ended at like 5 plus. and the real reason why i dint wanna go sch was cos i knew i was going to be late. no doubt abt it. and so i dint wanna see mr koh. had two periods of him first thing in the morning. just ytd he was already scolding our class for being late. and from wad i know he sent elfie to cwo detention cos he was late so many times, which i also am. kartik called and so i made a decision. i'll rush as fast as possible and go to sch. but if i'm late, i'll just pon.
in the end after all that rushing, yes. i was late indeed. so i wanted to go home but kartik decided to go breakfast first before he go sch. so we walked to tamp mart for an early plate of nasi lemak. then we nicely walked back to sch but last minute kartik decided not to go sch. we decided instead to go to his house to study.
so went his house, and first thing i did was
sleep.
yup
for nearly 3 hours.
remember how tired i was?
well i meant it.
finally got down to business. managed to finish stupid kenneth's lit assignment. but wouldnt have finished it if not for kartik's scolding whenever i lost focus and found something more interesting to do. haha.
then we went to loyang point... he bought me ice cream, slacked awhile, then came home. now here. maybe later i'll be going to loyang point again to study at macs. they renovated it!

A MINUTE OF THE DAYS
Tues: woke up late for stupid sch, went to study at downtown east wif kartik after sch, went home, watched oc, fell asleep during oc. fuck.
Wed: woke up late for stupid sch, escaped sch at 1210. math lect too boring to attend. went to macs at n2 for lunch, slacked there till 2. sent kartik back to sch for his test. came home. slacked. met leon at 5plus at airport to study. came home. slacked. slacked. sleep.

SOMEONE PLS STOP ME FROM SLACKING!!! PLEASE!!


the day started off badly. real badly. firstly i slept at 4.30am. was planning to wake up at 6am. even told my dad to wake me up. make sure i wake up. cos i dint even pack bag, iron uniform. i dont noe whether he tried to wake me up but i ended up waking up at 6.40 when i'm supposed to leave at 7. so i was already pissed. somemore my sister like was up so early but she tot i got no sch. seriously man of all the days. well then i rushed everythg, then last minute couldnt find socks to wear. cos like i never ever fold clothes so i had to dig through like thousands of clothes in my basket, finding for two small socks. i was already late then kartik called. and tot i was still slping. i just got very irritated la. always assume stupid things. make me so pissed when i already very agitated.
took 12 and met debbie. but guess who had to come up the bus. augustine. and really i dunno wads his prob. so unfrenly for wad. its like he got so much against me, and yet he wants to be so holy. but he doesnt even treat me like a human, always irritating me by asking for things back and not being there for me when i need him as a fren. i mean even i tired from the long day i still bother to go down and chat with u when u're lonely rite. so he like just stared at me and went upstairs. dat pissed me even more la. kartik came up... everythg was fine. until near the gate he told me he not going sch. i was like =.= wad the hell la den for wad even bother coming so near sch. and how can someone like something like dat meet harinder? its either meeting or not meeting. then went to math. took the mathematical induction test. den got back trigo test results. i had 7 upon 15 for the stupid trigo!~ learn so hard but still fail. i'm like so fated to fail trigo for the rest of my life. had lit lecture which was super super boring! so i wrote an imaginary letter to bryan cos i was reminded of him while i was doing my math test cos i was using his calculator. after lit, i had the best PE lesson on earth. and i guess it was PE that really cheered me up. the whole level was practising for acers day. me and peijin stayed for like 15 mins den we decided to go canteen. haha. dats the best part. peijin bought for me fries! den she bought her food. den we talk talk talk... laugh laugh... eat eat.... damn fun. finally when PE over then we went back all full and happy. the best PE ever! peijin rocks la! den finally kartik called he was at home all the while wif harinder. so i told hiM i was leaving sch with peijin. we wanted to go home cos we planned on skipping math extra lesson. while walking out we saw them but i dint really bother. was too busy talking to peijin. then we had like so much time so we walked to the next bus stop. then she was so nice to wait with me for bus. we were like talking so much... etc... buses came and went but i dint go. just talk talk talk. den finally i went. and ya thats how i got cheered up. so hopefully kartik doesnt make me sad later. pei jin rocks. she's my best fren in class who takes care of me. >.<


sunday again, and obviously late for mass again. this time super late cos i dint noe wad to wear. cos all my clothes are super crumpled cos i never bother to fold my clothes. argh!! wanted to wear makeup but dint have time to in the end. went to church alone... today dint see augustine. stood there in church... my bro came to stand next to me. then saw oswald and patrick. i feel alienated with ozzie esp after the augustine incident. then i saw russelle too and i felt alienated cos of the shaun incident. so i basically felt out of place, like i was the bad person. then shaun also was like terrible in his drumming today and it turns out to be cos of me. so extra guilt! after mass, wasnt going to meet shaun so i was stranded. dint wanna run into anymore ppl to feel more out of place so i rushed to the comfort of the toilet. senz was supposed to pick me up for lunch but mass ended like earlier than usual today so i had like 20 mins to play cat and mouse. in the end i just waited at the bus stop... really felt alone. just now was like one of the times in my life when i feel friendless and i envy all those ppl who go mass tgt as frens. i had frens once to go mass with me... but that was in the past. i used to go mass with karl... but as i got attached, i started to go mass with augustine... then after breaking up, martin would go mass with me but he started to like me and things went wrong so now i'm like alone once again. haiz if only kartik was catholic. waited in the hot weather for senz to turn up. he finally came... then we drove to orchard. in the car he told me all about ns... etc... cos he was recently recruited... then went to lunch at marche... they changed the name to vilage. which was pretty dumb. after that took a drive down to esplanade. dint spend long there. after that came home. pretty pleasant day. well now that i'm home i have to like start doing work. i got a lit ca assignment due tmr and a math test too. haiz... another week of shit coming right up.


yup i'm paul onehill, small version of paul twohill. this is according to kartik. hehe. he called me paul onehill. so now i'm his paul onehill. yup! cos my fringe falls over my eyebrows as well. =) kay continuing from just now, kartik came to fetch me from my house after his tuition. apparently he met my bro downstairs. lol. kartik's so sweet. he gave my bro chocolate cake. and the both of them were like planning to scare me when i came out of the lift but i came out of the other one and ended up scaring my brother. so now i guess they're like frens or wad. haha. and just now vicente was talking to kartik on the phone. laughing laughing cos he was pretending to be me. i'm quite surprised kartik dint like get pissed or anythg since he so easily angry and also cos he hates kids. lol. well anyway back again, we went to aranda where that boy was like swimming while i just layed on the sun tan beach thingy cos i dint wanna get wet.... read mr lee's stupid literature package which dint make sense to me. then we went to study under this hut thing. not bad quite cosy but the stupid speaker behind us was like faulty and was playing two radio stations at the same time, one chinese and one english station. so it was damn irritating but my mp3 made up for that. yup then kartik wanted to leave early to watch the liverpool match. -_- so we went to cheers first and he bought for me chips more and chocolate!! >< then we walked to the bus stop nice nice... then since kartik was so nice to me the whole day i decided to send him home... then took a slow walk home. bathed, ate dinner while watching the match and now i'm like slacking.... yup. but i'm gonna study for my math test soon. studying till late. i hope.


had that stupid econs faculty tests today. dint blog ytd cos i was like trying to last minute study but ended up successfully falling asleep instead. so... i woke up late today at like 7.00 and stayed in bed till 7.10 feeling sorry for myself dat i was going to sit for a test i'm sure to fail since i dint even study. and also partly cos i was lazy la. haha. had to rush rush rush for the exam at 8am. the stupid gate wasnt open so i had to walk alll the way to the IN gate cos the dumb OUT gate was also closed. went into the lt like all tired. they havent started the paper but everyone was seated already. i was so tired frm walking so much i just slowly took my time to walk up to my seat even though the teacher said "you may begin". sat down.... and that was the start of the one hour paper... as previously mentioned, my knowledge of econs and how to write a fucking essay was really limited.. so i took my time... nicely drank water... stare around.... then slowly started planning my essay... which took all the way until 8.20.... and remember readers! i had 2 essays to write in one hour! hahaha. so slowly write.... and then for my last essay i only had 15 mins to write. lol. had to rush a little for that but i guess i managed to pull that one off. then after that paper, had a half hour break before the next paper... the professionals reunited and we decided to go to 7-11. went back for the other paper and i was feeling like so sian to start la. i mean we have like 2 hrs for that paper. and that paper was like where we gotta analyse a given article and like use our own articles which we were supposed to collect to further analyse. so... sian again, i took my time. nicely i read the article we were supposed to analyse and the articles they gave us... then slowly i read my newspapers... haha. i brought one whole issue of financial times cos i was not bothered to do research or even cut out. den i found an article and cos i had no sissors i had to use the ruler to tear and i tink the noise of tearing newspaper was irritating the ppl. haha. it was quite funny. finally got down to business... but also took breaks to stare at myself in the mirror and listen mp3. peijin was so sweet she finished her paper early then she went out to buy for me chocolate. after everythg, kartik was waiting for me downstairs. we took a bus to tamp interchange to go to some place for lunch. man. he's like so bad mood today. it sucks. haiz. i met his sister though. and she's really nice. haha. always wave at me. =) then we walked around tm for awhile and met alot of tpjcians. also met jean shannon and evatte. i hate shannon. i duno why. its like when she has frens around her she like dont care about my existence. but when she doesnt have anyone around, she keeps talking to me. argh. so irritating. i dunno why evatte's bothered to hang around with her. i hate tm. its like a 2nd sch. took 21 to downtown. and in the bus guess who came up. augustine's mother and his sister. it was like omg. the two scary ones. i got a shock la. like they were always making life hell for me when i was quarrelling with aug.... slamming the phone down at me and lying to me. but oh wells. that was a scary experience. slacked at downtown awhile before bringing kartik to tuition. came home and now im here... writing this... yeap. and later i'm gonna meet kartik we're going out to study. so good right? hehe


12 hours since i last posted. yup 12am now. my day was a really really hot one. went to sch at like 2 plus and met kartik, followed him to his house to like get his books. waited outside in the freaking hot sun... then we went to long john's silvers for lunch. and had to rush to college for ki. went late but oh wells at least i went. after class met kartik downstairs. haha. the PE teacher who was walking by was damn friendly. i still dunno his name. but he always talk to us. today he was complaining abt some bubble tea he bought. then he said dat it was damn sweet. like me and kartik. LOL. funny guy. after that we went to downtown east to study... but we couldnt in the end cos of the damn noise so decided to take a walk at the beach... slacked there till like 8 plus then went home... and now i got like so much work to do! and one more thing. for the econs faculty test on saturday, i am confirm screwed.


dint go sch. damn sick. yesterday i felt so terrible. its like suddenly at hwa chong i had a damn bad headache and together with my sore throat and blocked nose that i've been having all day, i really felt like dying. and it sucked that we had to find our own way home from bukit timah. luckily i managed to hitch a ride from fahmi to simei. if not i would have just collapsed on my way home. my head was throbbing so painfully that i kept feeling like puking. finally i got home and like slept soon after bathing. today morning was feeling too terrible to go to sch. so i slept in... and now's like 12. i plan on doing my work soon. and then later i'll go down to college to pick kartik up after his sch. cos yesterday he dint come to sch and the whole day he was like sad and stuff so i'll go cheer him up today and probably go for ki later in the afternoon. yup. so hope i get better soon okae... =(





yup today is supposed to be my 2nd year anniversary with augustine. but oh well it stopped at 1 yr9months and i guess it wasnt meant to be. just wanna say that the time i spent with u was really fulfilling. u changed me as a person, u made me see the important things in life. u took care of me really well and did anything for me. thank you for the countless walks back and forth from ur house to mine, fetching me and bringing me home everyday. thank you for the midnight snacks u would bring to my door. basically, i never thought anyone would love me the way u did. u taught me right from wrong and opened my eyes to the mistakes i've been committing all my life. remember how we were so excited for our 2nd year? sadly we had our differences and our time had to end. u have moved on and so have i. good luck.
back to reality, sch today sucked. i never felt so alone before. i dunno why. its not like i dont have friends but today i just wanted to be alone. i ended sch at 1130 and till 1250 i waited for kartik. i sat at the carpark behind this big stone thing and practised trigonometry. i really wanna pass the test tmr. i've never really did well in trigo. it was raining really heavily and i guess that caused me to feel extra emo as i sat there alone. after awhile i couldnt take it so i moved to a place with more ppl... ppl i knew... bumped into harinder. he told me kartik had class till 3.30... that meant that kartik lied to harinder so that he can meet me. at that instance i loved the boy more. well i rushed to church... was only 5 mins late. dats a total miracle cos i've always been at least 20 mins late for a very long time every sunday. kartik was really sweet in church, he kept quiet... even asked me to say prayers and bow my head. haha. and i guess he got quite inspired in mass but ya... kartik i'm here for u ok? muacks love u soo much. after that we went to house delivery!! to benin's house! cos he wanted kartik's thick notes. we had to walk in the rain =( but it was fun cos u were next to me and it was fun walking up and down the entire place finding for his block... den finding for his house. haha. had lunch at bk (i'm broke now) then went back to sch for ki. ki was like so long all the way until 7 plus cos got the stupid seminar tmr. oh well. so i'm gonna study nowww!!!! yayZ!!


was hesitating on whether to start studying trigo or blog first. then i thought, wad the heck. so just decided to recount my day. short day in sch today cos i dint go pe. so me peijin and kartik chaoed sch at like 10. there were other ppl who wanted to chao also but dey dint have guts so the 3 of us like went and show dem how its done. haha. well went to expo to study with kartik... i was studying trigo for my test on wednesday. then had to come back sch for math extra lesson. quite happy dat my answers for differentiation were right... and dat i knew some trigo formulaes. see dat shows dat kartik's a gd teacher. but i still tink i'm gonna fail tho. haha. like look at me here i am slacking and procrastinating on starting to study. well after math took bus home with yensen. he's such a nice guy man. really. met kartik to study again. we went to downtown east bk to study until like 7... then went home! and i guess i've been kinda slacking since then. i did some work but i dont think its alot... =( so i guess i just gotta start noww. i'll blog more once i'm free from tests-misery.


=) so fun! i dont think i accomplished much with studying today. hehe. i was more like slacking and playing around the whole afternoon. kartik!! must scold me la!! cannot dont care one! if not i'll never start studying!! hehe. hmm but anyway i'm feeling happy cos i just got home from a nice outing with kartik! =) he needed to go cut hair so he decided to bring me along. yay. so... we walked to central... den i waited while he made his hair nice nice... then after dat, he remembered i want eraser! so he went to get me one. he wanted to buy for me more erasers but i only needed one. then we walked home and he brought me to the minimart. he bought me ice lemon tea and chocolate. then we sat down at my park dere awhile then he brought me home. =) so fun. i wish we can have outing again some time soon. like small girl ><


Yup got dat right. today is the eve of another week of hell. roller coaster of emotions and stress from sch. i'm gonna study in a minute. but just to update on my day, i went to church as late as usual... then went lunch with shaun and came home. pretty short day out cos i wanted to come home to study. hehe. good ah! well yea. this marks the beginning of my work in like wad... 2 weeks? haha. i'm sooo screwed! aite i'll update again later!


kinda just woke up... one plus already... sorry for not blogging yesterday. lots of stuff happened. life is sucking for me. relationship... school studies... when my relationship sucks, my studies suffer. i guess thats one bad disadvantage of being in a relationship. so yea... i'm so dead for my tests next week. but i guess i'll start today cos now at least my mind is clear on wad i wanna do with my life. so i'm gonna bathe... and i'm gonna eat my lunch... and put my econs first. first to everything. not gonna let any unworthy distractions get in my way cos its not worth it. in the end my effort is not appreciated. last night i slept at 4 am. i was chatting with bryan online... we were talking about the time when we were together... about how it was so beautiful... so care-free... we were so young and worry-less, playing around... our world revolved around each other. he treated me like a real princess... i gave him all my time... we were so happy... contrasting to my present life, stress from work and relationships, i really dont noe where my young life went to.... when i was pure 14... i missed those times so much... reflecting last night with the boy who explored life with me made me cry... made me shed tears of experience cos no doubt how experienced and older i may be now, that time was the most happy. why? cos i dint need to worry. our honeymoon lasted forever till the relationship died. everyday our hearts were filled with excitment on meeting each other... the crazy things we did, the feelings we had, were all cos we loved each other alot. he was the guy that gave me everythg i wanted. wad money could buy and wad money couldnt. thats why i was princess. last night was a walk down a lane full of innocent memories... now that i have woken up, i am forced back to the harsh reality of being 16... and my pure 14 days forever made fantasy....


finally this fucked up day is gonna end soon. i've been doing nothing the whole day and deep inside i'm so disappointed cos i got like 5 major tests next week, 3 of which falls on the same day, and i noe i'm damn screwed. but i just CANT STUDY!! i'm too distracted, and i dont have enough security to focus. my mind is full of things. argh! i told myself i'll never slack again for no reason after the stupid emo period of breaking up with augustine cos i fucked up my exams.and now i'm doing the exact same thing. shit la. the day was so wasted and boring la. hmm but at least i learnt some guitar songs... but then still... i cant do that the whole day rite?? just now i was so bored, i blasted blink 182 all american rejects sean paul and i was just jumping on my bed like some retard. but at least i felt much better after that. too tired to think of anything. oh and i nearly fell off the bed. scary... kkk this is the last day i'm gonna slack. here's another declaration.
LOUIZA IS NOT GONNA SLACK FROM THIS DAY ONWARDS. NO MORE.


i'm so slacking. being a lazy ass. time is 4.20. dint bathe, dint eat lunch, i supposed to go drink with senz at 4.30 but like kartik was sad so i cancelled... haiz. sometimes i wonder why i give up alot for kartik (even my life) when he doesnt even appreciate it. problems problems problems. then now shaun says dat if i carry on with kartik he's not gonna friend me. i dont wanna tell him dats childish but i really got too much on my mind now to beg for his friendship. but what can i do? i noe i'm having relationship probs and i'll probably do myself good by leaving but i just love kartik too much to just walk on by. hopefully he gets the msg.
i'm just slacking... listening to music... playing guitar... chatting... i'm damn bored la. really damn bored. arghzx. supposed to go out with soo many ppl!!! and now i'm stuck here.! can he come and see dat i need company now??? shit la. well i was just blog-hopping and i came across anas's blog which said about how dere were ppl with attitude probs or something in class... its not for certain that she was refering to me and peijin but there is a possibility... well speaking for myself, i really have nothing against here. i really like her as a friend whenever she's free enough to be around. i can say i've never backstabbed her or lied to her. so my theory of wad happened is maybe the time we had in between when we were drifting apart caused the space between us to tense up and cause suspisions.. something like cold war. haha but without the actions and policies. so yea. anas if u read this, well wadever thing u think i have against u is superficial... so yea, we dont have to talk about this in the open but feel free to say hi in sch... and talk normally like before. i promise that wadever niceness i had ever shown to u was never fake... so yea... take care.
now back to me, life sucks at the moment. i'm waiting for calls that will never come. and when i wanna make my life better myself and stop mooping around, my plans clash with kartik's happiness and i end up cancelling them and returning to square one(the drinking) so argh. pls pls pls can the answer to all my probs fall from the sky and before my feet?


i'm sitting here in my boring room. nothing to do (except work which i don't wanna do) and nowhere to go. dont wanna get out of my room cos i'm like quarrelling with my parents. this is so not wad i've planned for. i was supposed to go study with kartik. so ytd i cancelled going for a free movie and study with shaun, cancelled lunch treat with senz, cancelled campfire at pasir ris beach with debbie. and today, after waiting for me for one hour since i woke up, kartik says he has "limits" so he decided to go orchard with his frens... so now.... no plans! shaun wants me to go for soccer at pasir ris park. everyone's gonna be dere even martin. frankly i miss the guys from stpats. but i noe kartik dun like i hang around so many guys. senz now want me go drink. but haiz... dunno la. so i guess for national day i'm gonna be staying at home. wad a loser.


today was like national day celebrations at sch. went sch late cos got caught up with kartik. sorry ok peijin for keeping u waiting for nth. oh well for the celebrations like most of the time i was slacking. kartik and i were mostly tgt during the celebrations... just slacking the time away, waiting for dismissal. the blardee hall was like damn hot la. i was like sweating. so i dint bother to go "mosh" on stage. all the concillors were supposed to lead the stupid singing session. instead i was like backstage playing soccer with kartik. but it was more like he showing off cos he kept taking the ball away from me. damn cute and pro. after sch went out awhile... and came back at like 4... hmm i dunno whether to go for the council bbq later. dunno why but some j2 councillors just hate my guts. i think its somethg to do with kartik. and also i cant seem to get to the details of the bbq cos some fuck went to hack into my tpjc acct. damn pissed.... so oh wells. at tm just now i met some of vannessa's (kartik ex) frens. they're really nice. so i hope i'm not the enemy of more ppl. ><


walked out of sch. just walked out. at 11.30. was freaking sad and pissed. kartik really made me damn upset and i just wanted to go home. so it was raining so heavily but i just couldnt stand to stay in there so i walked in the rain. the heavy rain. tried calling martin and harinder to pick me up wif umbrella but martin was in sch and harinder was at movie with a girl. i just couldnt stay in sch a minute longer so i just walked out. peijin was nice enough to accompany me. in the rain. so i was wet when i went home and like now im here. going back to sch later at 4.30 for national day rehearsal. and kartik is not even calling me!!!! fuck man!!!!


waow... really man. i gotta buck up! i'm still slacking. dint do any work like since thursday. i'm so dead. today went to church, saw augustine in the bus. again. sat with my family this time... oh could see shaun playing drums. today he not bad sial. me and my bro were very amused. haha. then i went to tm with my mother. and bought clothes!!! yea! one thing off my wishlist. oh yea but i need to add something in. i need money for my hair. i wanna go style it... either mohawk or really long. and dye it blue. but now the thing is... how to do my work?? and i just realised i got some econs essay to finish by tmr!! maybe i shldnt go sch tmr. i dunno. mr koh's prob gonna kill me cos the whole week last week i was like late everyday. except thursday. so i dint take attendance. well anyway got an announcement to make. i finally have access to a hp. so u guys can finally contact me again. same number. right now i'm like chatting online.... i gotta start doing my econs!!! and oh yea it makes me so pissed at myself thinking about the fact that i overslept for the math lecture ytd... they taught 2 chapters!!! is it like possible to beg the lecturer to give me private makeup? do u tink he'll be willing to give me 3 hrs of his time?


he forgot.

no big deal.


i've been like slacking ALL day! the stupid declaration dint work. i was like guitar chatting on msn watching tv, in fact i'm gonna watch a movie at 10.30... should i? i want to study but i dont wanna miss anger management either. well lets just put it. i'm so dead for wadever tests thats coming up. argh! oh and by the way, guess who showed up at my house. augustine! yea seriously its so rude to come over to ur ex's house and act all normal like as though u dint break her heart into a million pieces and now just cos u're her brother's friend, u get to come all freely and stuff. i mean i'm not saying u cant come but at least show some remorse? argh! seriously. wads gotten into the world?? its like no one noes how to be polite anymore. ok seriously, i'm screwed. for tests for life wadever. and tmr's my one month anniversary. why i'm not excited? i have no clue.


i'm about to study now. decided to do this first as my mind is not clear and focused enough to absorb the concepts of elasticity. just now when i was out, i realised that i want a lot of things. or actually, i need a lot of things. then i started wondering whether i should work at swensons again for the cash. but then i'm too stressed with school. i'll just die if i had to carry heavy plates and take orders after school. then bryan came in my mind. haha. the guy who spoilt me like a princess. hAiz...

what louiza joseph wants (aka needs-if-not-she'll-be-sad)

1. A HANDPHONE WITH A GOOD CAMERA!!!! -->OMG dis is such a necessity. its been 1 week and i'm dying without a phone! i NEED a phone! i miss msging ppl during boring sch, and its so hard to contact people without my phone! and its so embarassing to keep borrowing people's phone. dont u feel sorry for me?? and i miss taking photos!! i'm naturally narcissistic so i NEED camera! already i'm back to the habit using ppl's phone to take pics ie. the other day i was cam-whoring with harinder's hp. BUT I NEED MY OWN!!! PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE.....................
2. CLOTHES!!! --> i'm soooo bored with my wardrobe. i need need clothes.
3. ACCESSORIES!!! --> i lost all my bangles, earrings, its all everywhere and boring. i need new ones!
4. SHOES!!! --> this might sound strange but i need shoes for sch. i cant run in skates.
5. ok money cant buy this but i want a nicer kartik. =) can?

so can??? can??? arghhhhZ!!!!! louiza is sooo broke!

happy birthday vicente! =) 12pm now. waiting for everyone to be ready so can go out for lunch... swensons i think. i hope they dun go to the airport one.. i mean i worked there before. haha. i'll just die la. oh well. i'm really disappointed with myself cos i've been slacking since thursday due to life's "games". haiz. but kartik promised last night to treat me better so i'm quite happy today. but we'll see wad happens. hmm... just chatting now with lots of ppl. long time i never chat so much online. cos of all the work and shit to do. ok resolution. After coming back from the celebrations, i will not slack. i will do my work and study cos i got so many fucking tests coming up. i will not slack. there. declaration made.


dint blog past few days not cos i'm busy wif work, life was just playing games with me. it was pretty hard to track and note down wad was real and wad was not. for the past 48 hours i've experienced both exemplary bliss and bottomless sadness. piled on with work and upcoming tests, life is really winning. and me, i'm just being pushed to the other end of the sphere - suicidal. well at least that's how i feel when all the lows give me a blow at the same time. i nearly had a nervous breakdown in sch today. so many things happened. my mind just felt so heavy, and it felt even worse after discovering i couldnt even let it out comfortably to the one i love. i'm glad the weekend is over, though tmr i still got math lect from 8 to 11. its like a closure to the disastrous part of life, school. ever since i started quarrelling with augustine, i've been alone in the world. no one to be happy with, and no one to run to when i'm sad. i'm just alone.


i'm pretty proud of myself. from sunday, i've been diligently doing my work and doing a bit of studying all the way till 1230am and slp at 1. quite pleased with the routine. these past few days i'm like either in sch, with kartik, or at home. and when i'm at home, i'm doing work. but of course i still stay faithful to my beloved soapies! like ytd i watched desperate housewives and grey's anatomy. gawd... so sad la... then like later at 12 i'll be catching the oc. i've decided to give myself a break, an hour of surfing the net (and really surfing not like busy and doing math at the same time). really proud of wad i've accomplished these past few days.
today i went to sch late again. seriously i think i'm in deep shit when mr koh comes back from reservice. all the time he's away i'm either absent or late. and i still havent done anythg for service learning. or the photo taking. argh i'm so dead. sch was ok. i went to sch just in time for hist lect, i missed econs. then had a few tutorials then i walked out wif peijin to go home at 1130 cos i only had ki at like 3.30.