jellybeanies
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yepp totally bed hair. genuine shit. woke up at 845, realised i overslept. supposed to be in sch at 845. and martin was supposed to be waiting for me downstairs so i just grabbed my wallet, hp, wore pe shirt and shorts and ran out of the house with slippers. dint comb hair etc. tats why the title, bed hair. hahaha. pw presentation was ok... teacher said i was too fierce. huh? hah. went to walk at tm awhile after sch. and after this i'll be going on a halloween escapade. yay. but im gonna do my house work first... quite guilty. =)

p.s. bed hair totally rocks shit.


quite pissed with my hp now. i so need a new one!! birthday! arGhsx, its like suddenly my incoming calls dont get to me. its like the caller will just hear some engage tone. shit man. supposed to meet ppl after sch but had no choice but go home cos i cldnt be contacted. why did my hp have to be stolen! oh wells. finally! clinton calls and can get thru. lucky shit. i've been calling myself for the past half hour. everythg's dying on me. first my mp3. den now this stupid hp.
sch was a fucking waste of time. i bothered waking up for no damn reason. u noe why, at sch after waiting for 4 hours to presentation, the teacher goes missing then when she gets found, she says she dont have time. so tomorrow. like arGh....
now its like im so uncontactable, plans are screwed. zz.


kay yup i was slacking online just now when i came home. dint start doing my pw sial... i gotta go do it soon. =( kay so yeap. wad happen was i figured that staying at home was not gonna get me anywhere so might as well go out. so i went to meet martin after his work at the restaurant. sweet huh? well he was pretty happy. but i did some pw. yup! then we went to slack downstairs my house... one mat gave martin his last stick. so nice of him. then we were drawing... and playing hangman and talking cock. oh and saw ben he was going woodlands. first time he actually looked chinese. he's always stepping mat. horny bastard. hehe. then went up. yup! like dat. ok end of slack!


today's theme --> gore/me and you.
haha. only martin will understand that. hmm so lets talk about today. its a pretty nice day. nice one compared to ytd when all i did was hibernate in bed till i went bed at 7am. dint even bathe. haha. aite so lets see.
at 1115 am i get woken up by a call frm martin. supposed to go mass with him. was so damn tired i only got out of bed at 1145. with only 15mins to get ready. in the bus we met nicolette. then at mass (went late again) met the whole grp... tiffany, russelle, jonathan and his gf, victoria. today was quite funny cos it was raining at quite cold at that time so like suddenly everyone was wearing jackets. esp black hoodies. like hiphop. haha. but after that everyone was suffering cos the sun came up and started being a bitch. after mass we all went to kfc for lunch... and the whole time that stupid martin was playing some shitty gore dat sounded like pigs getting tortured. but then the song became me and u. haha. talking abt how its everywhere. then at like 3 me and martin left... went to slack at the airport awhile before he had to go to work.
on the bus there was cam whoring as usual. but of course with his hp. at airport our jackets finally had some use. so we were crapping around as usual... im strong martin!! he piggybacked me so slowly and short tired already. i could carry him for so long man. hehee. then we played with trolley like retards but i nearly died when it nearly fell backwards cos i was too light. idiot... then i tell u the weirdest shit happened. kept bumping into augustine and lefford. like err? everywhere la. when we went to t1 frm t2 dey were dere as well... then went going home at the station dey were dere too. like totally dotss man...
after the energy draining day with all dat playing around i fell asleep in the bus... and on his hp me and you was playing me to slp. gd lullaby man. -_-' and now im home... gonna bathe then hopefully start on my pw speech. tmr is the dry run.
6pm.


brace for a fucking long post. the past 36hours of my life has been so damn dramatic, reaching heights of happiness and also dropping to shitty bottoms.
it all starts yesterday at 7.15am. i was up doing my speech for pw and cos it was so fucking boring and i was doing it at 2am, i fell asleep. waking up at 7.15 i realised that i was late for my meeting at college for pw. i quickly got changed to a billabong pullover, jeans and skate shoes then i rushed to sch. dint have time to even bathe. at sch, meeting went pretty well. dad went to work morning shift so i dint have to go back for lunch. so after meeting which ended around 11plus i made my way to youth park to meet martin and the rest cos they were skating there. slacked there... cam whored. talked with frens. then at around nearing 2 martin and i decided to leave. we were thinking of going city hall but at the station the train to pasir ris came so we just decided to hop on. shld hv gone to city hall. turns out vivian was there. anyway in the train we were like so tired and drained we just sat on the floor and made a fool of ourselves, talking cock and laughing. there was this lady who was pretty amused she kept smiling at me and martin. martin said it was cos we looked like a "cute couple". yes martin dream on. at the interchange we saw her again and martin was like "bye aunty!" and i started scolding martin. "stop calling ladies aunty can?! its so offending!" and she started laughing. in the bus, there was this group of young malay girls going jalan raya. we decided to act more lame and when they were leaving we said bye to them all. and went they were down the bus we looked out the window and waved back also. they started turning really shy and waved back. omg! haha i dint noe wad the fuck i was thinking man. lol. i think i was being too high and punkrock cos i felt like i was a mat seducing some girls. hahaha. we got down at pasir ris central and martin bought for us bubble tea and we took a damn slow walk home... downstairs my house we decided to slack awhile... met some malay frens of martin's... then sat down awhile for his smoke. then he wanted my tpjc shirt so i gave him... after that i went up, all tired and shitty.
the moment i went up, kartik asked me to go meet him. i wanted my mp3 back so i agreed to. i was still feeling energetic so i took my bmx out... went to loyang point for some macs... then took a slow cycle around the area... damn bored so we decided to go college... haha. yup brought my bike in and DINT LOCK IT!! kartik was cycling around like a mad lunatic i guess it relieved his stress... talked to the security... bluffed him dat i was having a lvls and im damn stress and suicidal. nice guy la. oh! and i bumped into deborah and aruna while racing along the corridors they thought i was a very small guy. hahas... finally left sch.. and took a ride back to pasir ris... dat was the best sch venture ever.
by the time i saw kartik off at the junction, i was so damn exhausted it took me damn long to cycle just 2 stops away to my house. but slowly, i did it.
then when i went home thats when the shit of the day started. i quarrelled with my parents, esp my dad real bad. so bad that i locked myself up in my room for the whole evening, dint bother eating dinner, then at 10plus i was so pissed i walked out of the house. yea i cldnt take it anymore. the fucked up mood and stress, i cldnt stay in the house, i just wanted out. i wanted to be alone and also i wanted to get out of the house cos i felt they were so not treating me properly. my fucking mp3 was screwed up. so i dint noe wad to bring out with me. in the end i brought some philosophy out. i was thinking of going to the macs in downtown and reading till morning. vivian was really worried for me. that stupid man dint even show any sign of worry. he even said "u wanna run then go la!" so much for caring.
reached downtown at around 11 and the place was still noisy, not exactly my desired environment given the mood i was in. so decided to buy a drink and go beach. at cheers martin called me and when he found out i just got out of my house, he got rather worried. so despite my reluctance he insisted on coming down to meet me. so he did and while waiting for him to come, vivian kept me company on the phone. she's such a nice person... after he arrived we went to buy a drink, he went to buy his pack, and we walked to the beach. i must say that i was happier that he came. not only was the company gd, he's the sort of person who could always cheer me up with his antics. oh and he wore my tpjc shirt. lol. went to the beach... our punkrock attitudes made us decide to walk around the maze. its this real maze with high hedges and in the dark at 12am it was really scary. so dats wad we did... gawd it was so damn scary. cobwebs were getting caught on our faces and when the ants started to irritate us we quickly ran out of there. thank god for martin man cos if i was there alone i would hv gotten lost and freaked out. quite tired so we went to sit by the beach where some ppl were having picnics.. yup at 1am and a group of youngsters a distance away were still having a bbq. then we talked cock... talked abt real stuff... laughed.. really cheered me up. then i fell asleep. yup on the bench. it started to get damn cold and i was freezing, then martin took his sweater which was super big and covered me totally man. but then i got woken up by some ah lian's high pitched laughter. some chinese teens came to our area and was like making so much noise and worse still, playing stupid chinese music. arghx it was so irritating. then martin took his hp out and start playing some atreyu. those ppl then got chased away and they went off. hahaha. dat was quite funny. the cold was so damn unbearable we decided to shift to the tribal (this mini stadium far off frm the shore, inner to the island which was more litted up with lights.) over there it was a bit warmer but then we crazily decided to build a fire. yup! a mini campfire. lol we were crazy shits man. that was like at 4plus... so he gathered dried leaves. lol. i dint dare touch the leaves in case of insects or germs. haha girl. but i contributed one leaf and a few sticks. lol. then we had a fire going man! haha. really warmed us up. then i started feeling emotional when i saw the time... parents still havent called. ususally they would hv called by this time to call me back home. but they dint. so became quite sad. but martin told me not to worry... suggested i go home soon. but i still dint want to cos was still quite sad. quarter to 6 i was feeling hungry so we decided to walk back to downtown macs for some food then maybe go home. walking back we said hi!! to ppl who were jogging haha. then there was this group of joggers coming me and martin decided to act suspicious so we put our hoods on and talked in low tones... they jogged past us, staring... and when they were off a distance we burst our in laughter. ate muffins at macs... then took a bus home.... reached home at 7.15. bathed then went to slp at around 8. woke up only at 5.30... now is 8.10.... finished eating but too lethargic to bathe...
funny the whole time, so many ppl were worried and kept calling to check on me except him. cos apparently he only calls when he's free. im such a first priority.


today was so martin. well i guess tts cos of the phone call last night. when i talked to him for quite a while and he was like apologising for bastarding me... so today he wanted to make it up by bringing me to sch in the morning... sch today was gonna be shitty cos i had crap in the morning so i decided to just go when it was time for history cos dats cheng's lesson. but when i went dere, apparently no one came so she was like "louiza u can just go and slack at the canteen." -_- so much for coming and walking all the way to the out gate. oh wells nvm.. went to slack at the council room with jiten and johnathan... and apparently i'm the worst case of attendance and i might be kicked out.. but seriously its not like i totally hate council. i admit that twice i dint go cos i dint want to. but dats only two times! its like i always have like lessons when they have meetings and recently, its like they suddenly have meetings i dont know of. so its like, wtf. i dont noe a shit. reynolds was right. communication in the council is bad. i think its cos its too big... hmm. wells. went to homeclass to collect result slip. it was pretty saddening to see my results, cos i gotta drop ki. the gp teacher mr ng was like being supportive of my drop to gp. he even told me before i left, "you can come teach my next yr class anytime u want." quite sadd... walked out of sch and went to meet martin.
took the train to orchard. went to check out the skate park first... saw who was skating. then went to heeran... and walked around... checked out the music at hmv. gonna check out a band i discovered later. oh then we saw this grp of very guai stpatricians and martin started suaning them. damn bastard la, but it was quite funny. man i so love stpats... its like only after i leave studying at kc i actually miss that sch.. all the memories with my exs. haha. and their uniform colour.. dnno why it just gets to me. haha. blue green white. plus if the guy looks gd, thats so much of a plus. hahax, ok i'm diverting. after that, we posed stupidly with the stupid cow from vilage, formerly marche. then we went to long john's for lunch... met some MI ppl and we were making alot of commotion(esp martin) and the girls started laughing. well dats wad happens when 2 punkrock ppl go out. oh even worse, there were some chij toa payoh ppl dere... 2 butches and martin was so making fun of them loudly. quite embarrassing balls.after that we walked to far east....
at far east we walked about a lot... and bumped into sam and fren and i think it was a bad impression man. martin was being so irritating!! haha. walked around for a damn long time then we decided to take a bus to marine parade... and went to macs at marine cove, laughing all the way. at macs we went to eat at the cafe side and the music was so fucking classic it totally changed the mood. haha. the whole day we were totally crapping around and laughing and shit and when we go to the macs, we're like suddenly so quiet and talking seriously. so fucked up so then martin turned on some atreyu and saosin hardcore and then the mood got lifened up a bit.
then we went to slack at the beach awhile. talked about stuff... stuff like my bro.. about stupid religions... and the end of the world... blahblahblah. then after that some goons were making a tent with candles on the sand. like some cult sia. i dared martin to act high in front of the crowd and then trip over a rope. and he did. i was laughing my ass off sial. sat there for a while more... then made our way back to katong to take 12 home. while walking bought ice creamz and even played at a playground! i even passed by kc and st pats. yay. then took 12 home... stopped at n2 to buy crickets for martin's spider. but sold out.. so went home... and ya tadah! here.
whole day i was laughing man. i was really more punkrock than emo today. but really. i still give up on guys.


nthg erotic abt the night man. its just dat the rain dint help. its still hot. =( oh wells pretty much slacked the whole time since i came home... i created a blink182 altar as u guys can see. yup they're the gods man. quite pleased with myself. im all set for the last day of sch tmr. yup. for the first time, i packed my bag and ironed my uni before i slp! usually i do that when i'm in a rush in the morning. so now i can slack away my time on the net before going to slp.
whole evening my mind had plenty of time to subconciously think abt guys. and seriously as the days pass and as i get more disappointed, i start to lose my interest. well i guess dats how it is right? i cant just be a bunny jumping for a carrot dangling on a thread. so i've made up my mind, im not gonna care anymore. really. and unless the guy really blows me off, im not gonna bother. i dont wanna settle for shit ever again. thats not my style.
sorry readers for my sudden bitchiness abt guys... these past few days just suck. out.


the weather fucking sucks man today. its like i cant remember when i was not sweating. everythg's like so fucking melting. i just had a cold shower. but now i see that dark clouds have gathered in the sky. so dats a gd sign. FALL RAIN FALL!!!
anyway, today was a fucking long tiring day. apart from the fact that i slpt at 5 thx to some ppl the day demanded a lot of physical input from me. went to college... was early k! that fucking gate loser closed the side gate so damn early! not the first time k! tues also same story! idiot dao face! so me and clay had to walk all the way to the stupid out gate again! and when we went there, it got shut on our faces! and we had to wait for the anthem to end. then it opened. frankly i dont see the logic in that. i tell u those stupid aunties ah! they think they own the college just cos they got the keys to the gates. damn irritating noe. anyway, when i finally got in the stupid gate and was walking to the assembly place, i got stopped by some stupid bitch who dint have any fashion sense. she was like "stop and tie ur hair" i was like wtf cant u see its wet u bitch. and the best part is she asked me "do u tie ur hair everyday?" duh! i'm stuck in this stupid college of course i gotta tie my hair everyday! and anyway the stupid weather in sg sucks i think i'll just die of heat stroke if i never tied my hair. bitch. totally spoiled my day. so these two events in the morning led me to believe even more that tpjc does suck.
mt, i was finally a gd girl. i was the only one who attended. my cousin and sulaiman totally abandoned me. but oh wells, i cant even remember the last time i went for mt. so im proud of myself. and the one-to-one tuition wasnt so bad. but like as the mt period was ending, my stomach was suddenly damn fucking painful. after mt i cldnt take it anymore i rushed out of sch and took a bus home. as usual the spoilt brat, me, cant shit on any toilet except her house. omg the pain was so excruciating!! i nearly fainted twice on the way home cos of the terrible pain. oww.. im cringing even as i think abt it. finally when i went home.... shit and shit and shit. k dats horribly explicit. haha. i guess the sudden tummyache was cos these past few days i've been very careless abt my diet... too lazy to eat... so i end up eating instant noodles and chocolate... and more instant noodles. i think my stomach just collapsed. bleahsx... i promise to eat man. the feeling was horrible.. =( well i guess no one was there to take care of me... =( then i realised that today i was supposed to go for stupid hist tutorials and also see miss cheng for her "tuition". so i was like msging her... telling her my shit probs. i cant believe i told her i walked out of sch. she's supposedly one of the strict teachers in college. our msgs involved her being her strict normal self and me being cheeky and playful saying thgs like "if ure not teaching the class anythg during tutorials can u just teach me cos i'm dying here with stomache" and she replies "i teach all the time in class. u need mc" and i'm like "ok fine i'll go for ur tutorial." somehow she reminds me of mrs sng. sng is the dm in kc and somehow she had a soft spot for me as welll, no matter how many detentions i went for. well i was thinking, mc? im too lazy... i asked my dad to call her. but he was like. just go la louiza. once and for all just do wad she wants so she wont call anymore. haha. so in the end i had to go to sch at 10am for hist tutorial...
at tutorial... gawd dat ms cheng was like so attacking me and peijin! seriously! she purposely talked soft at first cos me and pj were sitting quite far. then she started bombarding us with questions and attacking our answers like no body's business. i think today we were the 2 most wanted ppl on her list man. scary.
after that i went home... cos my tummy was kinda bad still. went home and parents had to go funeral cos aunty girl died... so we dint have lunch. me and joana decided to go macs... i brought chanel!! and chatted there... then went home and watched scary movie 4! then dat cheng was abt to hound me so i rushed to sch.
the hist was ok. not as bad as i thought.... learnt quite a bit but i think if i really wanna noe more i gotta find her again... but would i really do dat.... nahh.... haha... but i wanna! but lazyy....zzz. haha.
after that sorta went home. sorta.


just got back from orchard with clinton. yup converse. thats wad i chose to wear. boots or converse. my boots were a lil too large.. (im too skinny) so when in doubt, choose converse! went to orchard... unusually early. cineleisure had stupid shows. or they had nice shows but yes clinton someone was too underage. seriously i dont see anythg wrong with the departed or exiled! hmmph! sg sucks. so cos i was early, i had to walk to shaw cos of the change in cinema. that made clinton early. stupid boi. still can ask me why i sweating. cos maybe i had to walk! and maybe someone asked me to quickly come, -_-' oh wells. the movies there sucked too but then we cldnt find anythg else better to do besides watching a movie cos like everywhere's already closed. so in the end went with world trade center. not too bad but there wasnt exactly a very exciting plot. oh wells. n some ppl bought sweet popcorn even when i liked salted. movie was quite long... finally when it ended took a slow walk to the mrt station but had to rush in the end cos my train was the last one. oh i forgot to add when clinton was smoking this malay dude came up to him with some malay prayers thinking clinton was muslim. and the whole way i was like "aye ur fren came back! aye ur fren down dere" hahas...
oh wells im gonna go bathe now. got sch tmr. damn! oh shit gotta meet that miss cheng! and i still havent arranged my un nonsense. guess i'll be sleeping late tonight. =)

check out the eyes man... guaranteed wont come off by tmr. guess i'll be going to sch emo.


woke up not long ago... and i have this bad headache which existed since 6 plus am when clinton called me. the slp so dint help. i feel super terrible... and now i got cramps as well -_-. n later i'll be going orchard... how to survive... haiss...


its like the whole day has been slack. took an afternoon nap... and when i woke.. watched tv.. and played my electric guitar for like the whole day. borred man. just dint have mood to go out. on a scale of one to ten, i'm feeling 6 emo. not too bad. at least im not feeling too depressed until im hibernating. wells. tomorrow there's no sch. i think i'll be hanging out with clinton. i have no idea why i'm not as excited as i thought i'd be. i think its cos of the "giving-up-on-guys" phase. yea. u noe today i was so pissed with kartik that i told peijin guys totally sucked and if i ran into one that i knew i'll just punch him even though he dint do anythg to me. relationships are starting to kinda bore me. i find that its such a waste of time when the guy chooses to be so sucky. and i feel so stupid to stay and tolerate all the shit. sometimes i wonder, how come i can still stay even though i'm so sad. i mean its quite well known that im a rather high maintainance sort of girl. i have no idea how come i lowered my standards to this. i think its cos i loved too much. yea too much that i forgot my mind and i forgot my rights to being happy. oh wells. i'm waiting for top model to start... then later hopefully i start on some sch stuff. yea. like arrange my history for miss cheng's special extra session with me.


yep im still thinking too much. mind is so not at peace. today went to sch. elfie's retaining. quite sad man. the 3 of us were just starting to get closer with our stupid lame jokes and anti-teacher antiques. boring as usual, sch was. during lit lect i wrote a poem out of my sick boredom. econs was useless. miss tan decided not to teach, me and peijin walked out of class when she went up to get games. walked out of sch and went tm. hahs... sch totally sucks.
at tm... followed peijin buy roses for her rhoda. kinda wished i could get a rose from someone. long time since i've received even a flower. oh wells. we went for lunch... then went walking around the malls... the whole time i was carrying the stalks of roses. then i bumped into hakim and his frens and he was giving me this weird smile. i think he thought something about me and peijin. lol. the two of us just started bursting in laughter. around one i went home.
oh and dat miss cheng ah. called my dad like thousands of times and finally when she got through she told him about all the stuff blahblahblah... i tot she promised man! i already paid the ransom money! arghsz! so i guess i gotta meet her on wednesday. -_-. my dad was like just give in to ur teacher she cares a lot... yea ok. maybe it wont be too bad. hahx.



seriously i feel like giving up on guys. i've concluded that this year not only being a bad year for hps is also a bad year for guys. somehow its like almost all of the guys who like me have done at least one thing to really put me off. its either they let me down, or hurt me. and its not that i care about the attitudes of the guys around me but on the rare occasion that i actually like them, its actually a screw up. i know that it is virtually impossible to meet the 100% perfect guy. i'm not saying i'm being over fussy. its just that this year is particularly the year that guys sort of come up to me and show me the worse of their character. before this year, even though i dont meet perfect a listers, its sort of tolerable and the details of flaws are small. this year, its like everyone's out to make my life hard. its pretty unfair. for me, its like when i like someone or when a relationship starts, i really put in a lot of commitment and i become really attached to the person. so ultimately all my hope pins on him. and when he does things like let me down, it gets pretty messy for me. i seriously dont understand the phrase, "you're not as affected or bothered as i am" because if i wasnt affected or bothered my mind wont be 24/7 meshed up with thoughts on what to do next and my heart wont always feel down. maybe its just high expectations? well to a certain extent, maybe. but of course i'm not expected to end up with a low standard insensitve guy rite? but then i think its not all about my high expectations. i mean i have considerably very high tolerance which i think came with the attachment i develop quickly in any relationship i put my heart into. thinking about my situation now, there is no guy now that can fully meet my acceptance level. so why does this bother me? well because, i might like the guy and the fact that i know he might not be good enough kills me. cos inside i'm rooting for him. and inside i feel so frustrated that the reason why he's not good enough is because he recklessly chooses to do silly things that put me off. sometimes i just wish i could tell them, please dont do this, it makes me sad. but then i dont want to sound demanding or worse still it will turn ugly if they choose to fight back. so i just tolerate. and feel sad inside. thats why i want to give up. i dont want to feel sad anymore.
all i want is a nice guy. to love me and make sure i know it through the way he treats me. i wont demand for more. i'll just be gd and obedient.
oh wells. report of the day, got back at around 5.30. went to church with martin, met a few ppl dere, including leoy, kartik's pri sch fren. after mass went to bedok buy cigarettes then went to parkway for lunch. in kfc martin was like making stupid noises and the nerds kept looking at him. damn fucking funny. i was laughing my ass off. then we went topman to meet arshad. and he gave me discount vouchers! heex. that guy's hair is so nice man! i think leaving swensons did him a lot of good. haha. after walking around awhile we went home.
and during the whole day, my love life was troubled.


its over? i dint even noe. well maybe i shld hv infered it from the way u started to treat me. but then in dat case it shld hv been over a long time ago. well now i'm numb. i've been having a lot on my mind the whole day and i think i'm even starting to freak ppl out. yea its dat bad. i think i'm tinking too much. but dats how much i wanna solve things. but solutions are not easy to come by.
omg martin just called! no one knows how relieved i am. why relieved? well he is one guy who can really cheer me up with his lamity. and also i havent talked to him for a damn long time. well at least some thgs never change for the worse. so apparently now i'm going mass with him tmr... gd also. if not i would hv been going alone.
martin... how did he change for the better, since the time i dated him. he was one insensitive jerk. not dat he's damn gd now but really he's sweeter and more understanding and he's becoming one of the very few ppl in my life who really stand by me through thick and thin.
really appreciate that guy. one unique character. he's like one of the closest mat frens i have and also one who accepts me for who i am especially my jc life and stuff. so there's no awkwardness when i cant do certain stuff cos he totally understands me and my lifestyle. this is so not the case for another grp of ppl in my life that i'm getting to know right now, and somehow part of my troubles today is that they might not be able to accept me the way my own ite frens already accepted me.
k how this post diverted to martin, i have no idea. but yea... i'm numb.


im starting to feel more and more emo as the time passes. they will be home soon so i gotta wash plates, keep my bags and keep my guitar soon. but i dont noe why, i'm starting to feel emo and sian even when i dont want to. well maybe its cos i'm sad. maybe everythg's getting to me. gotta do my pw by 10... home the whole day... still quite tired... the fren i want to talk to is busy... the fren i want to solve things with only knows how to attack me... yep everythg's biting me. sometimes i just wish someone could be here for me. whenever i needed someone. so i wldnt have to feel weary about my troubles. sometimes i just wonder am i thinking too much? maybe i'm overreacting and dramatizing everythg. so i push my troubles aside for awhile. but then it comes back. cos im not overreacting. the feelings are real. thats the real magnitude of my troubles. so yes sometimes i really wished that someone could be here for me.
i suddenly want to go out. i want to watch a movie. i want to fall in love. and i want the person i love to love me, in a way that makes me love him more. sounds confusing right. well maybe its cos i really feel alone right now. really really alone. so alone that i dont wanna stop typing this post. cos then i wldnt hv anythg to do.
maybe i brought all this on to myself. maybe its all my fault. after all everyone else seems to be happier. yes, seems to be. but for me even if i pretend to be happy it wont last. cos the unrest in me is so overpowering, no kind of pretence can rule over it. i'm getting the feeling that this post is turning out to be very emo. well thats how i am really feeling. but its a sick bitter sort of emotions. one of which i dont ever want to feel again. but i noe its impossible. because life is not going to just change nicely into the way i want it to be. at least not so soon.
something just crossed my mind. if i died today, will the world be different? or will things still go on as usual as though i was just a passing breeze? to my family yea it will make a lot of difference. after all, im a member. there will be some permanent absence and emptiness. to my friends, yea they will be sad too. esp the ones i'm really close to. but i guess their lives will still go on. what about to society. some ppl will think of it as just another person dying... some ppl might feel a tinge of sadness, there might be enemies who might even think of it as a blessing. but generally things will still be the same. so seriously. who else besides my family will be really permanently affected? i think its the ppl to whom i mean the world. but then that leads to another question. are there ppl like that around?


saturday is finally here. they're coming back today. and i think i kinda got my life planned for the near future so hopefully it wont be as sian as i dont want it to be. i'm going to concentrate on my pw. yea the a lvls for it is in nov. so its kinda like my first a lvl exam. so gotta do well rite? and hopefully i can take ki... i also want to perform better in sch. i think thats all i have for now.
im in bed now. almost 2pm. going to sleep. im exhausted. headache as well. gotta do pw later. came home just now in the morning... lugging all my stuff home was so tiring and heavy. was wishing someone could help me. thought of augustine. he always helped me carry stuff. but oh wells. he wasnt as great as i thought he was anyway.


the day's friday. tmr the dudes come back home. tmr i shift out of my aunty's house as well. life's pretty aimless for me right now. cos everythg's rather much at a standstill. why? kay firstly my sch ettiquette is screwed up. always been cos sch really sucks and its a damn boring place. but yea. when u dont have the mood for somethg, then there's more probability that u wouldnt bother to be enthusiatic and anxious abt it. so dats my outlook with sch. and anyway sch closes next week so yay.
relationship wise, im clueless. really.
the dudes come back tmr, and im quite excited to see wad they bought for me. and staying at my aunty's house wasnt as bad as i tot. in fact it was quite fun. watching tv with those two boys and staying up real late. damn damn fun. really caught up with them, especially ryan. man i'll miss the late night suppers he made for me. (cornflakes with milk, tomyam mee) and its really funny cracking stupid lame jokes with them abt walking stick and all.
tonight i go for the show at bugis. this event in my life sorta mark my end of the stay at their house and also the return of the dudes. i kinda have the feeling that after all this is over, there will be nthg to live for anymore and everythg will be over. dats why i hv the aimless feeling. and it really sucks. it sucks thinking abt how i'll be feeling by sunday. hais... kinda sad to noe i'm feeling this way. i hope that after this period of events pass, another exciting period of events will follow. i think if everythg just boils down to sianness, i'll just become freaking emo and sickly. seriously. and i hope that no troubles will come my way as well. i dont really feel like experiencing sadness.
so wad i'm doing now? well i'm alone here at home. ended sch pretty early today and somehow i just wanted to be alone for the rest of the day until night. so i'm waiting for my macs to arrive... will eat.. maybe watch tv for awhile. hopefully there's a nice movie to watch. i'm feeling moviely these days.
now im in a standstill. and i pray that the anxiousness and excitment i've been feeling all week continues. please give life something to live for. especially a life like mine.


tonight is pretty sentimental. it evolves around family. tomorrow, mom dad and vicente leave for philippines. i dint wanna go cos of sch and cos of social responsibilities. so yea... even though i never really bother to express feelings to my family, deep inside i feel pretty sad. but i'm not showing it. i can sense my dad's sadness when he tells me wad to do during the week... like make sure i eat etc. and all i do is put up an indifferent face. but inside i'm wondering whether i made the right choice of staying behind. maybe i should just change my mind and go. tmr they leave when i'm in sch. so then i wouldnt be able to really say goodbye... but louiza was always egoistic when it came to family. being the eldest, she will just put up a front.
now as i type this, i'm chatting to ryan. yes. he read my earlier post. and now we're reminising those days. and the even earlier times. so sad. those days. really.


after settling down in the bus, i sigh in relief for the presence of air con. the haze was fucking hot. i take out my mac chicken burger (plain) and took a bite. thats when i thought about him, my cousin ryan.
i remember when i was primary 3 i would return from my cca on saturdays to find ryan at home. whenever i saw him, i knew a day filled with childish fun awaited me. his mom would have gone for her mahjong games and he would come over cos he was bored. so i would bathe, and settle down. and in the afternoon he would help me with my homework awhile. i remember he was helping me with math once, teaching me how to count. and once he also told me of how now that he was in upper pri they had to write in cursive. and i would listen in admiration, waiting for the day i could write in that manner as well. (now i have a fluent cursive hand)
late afternoon would come... and mom would make both of us slp. but we will play awhile on the bed. we'll pretend we were camping near a river. i remember he would pretend to catch fish for me. and then after eating our "fish" we would slp.
waking up, it would be evening. mom would give him money to go buy macs. i would bathe for the night. when he came back with macs. i would remember that my cheese burger, though it did not have vegetables, it had onions and tomato sauce. he was supposed to ask for plain, so that all these stuff wouldnt be there. but i guess he only asked to remove the vegetables. i remember i wouldnt complain abt it. i would just eat.
this macs dinner was the reason why i got reminded of him today as i ate my macs burger on the bus.
after dinner when it got late, he would have to go. he will take 359 from the bus stop downstairs my house, and while he waited for the bus, me and my mom will be at the window waving at him. then he would go.
those days were seriously super fun. i remember he once bought this mini set of kitchen stuff. had pots... pans... spoons... and we used that as we played camping. used it to cook. come to think about it, he's now a chef. how time flies.
at that time, things were so simple. no worries. just play. how i wish life was that easy. smiles were plenty to come by.



i cant slp. im waiting till the sun rises to slp. im so damn scared. i want someone here with me. but i noe dats kind of impossible. but luckily vivian made me better. i duno wad i would hv done without her. but definitely im not going to stay in this house alone next week if my family goes to the philippines.

someone please help me.





sch today sucked... dont wanna talk abt it.

walking out of sch early, kartik brought me to go eat lunch. then dad called and asked me to go with him peninsular to buy shoes. so yea dats wad i did... then went tm to check boots but dint hv =( then made my way back to pasir ris, met kartik... bought food from loyang point and then now i'm here in his house. he's studying...
and i see that ppl hv decided to diss my blog... oh wells.. i got enough probs in life, not gonna really bother. but pls u ppl out dere... u can hate me but dun come all offensive if i never did anything to you. seriously u're just making urself look bad.


its like nearly 7 pm... im at macs loyang point... brought chanel along... kartik's here next to me studying... next few days will sort of decided my near future. but oh wells. btw results are out and i fucked it up. i failed math. and now i tink i'll be damned to drop ki. cos adrian was pretty strict and firm when he said that failing a h2 will force one to drop ki... but dats so damn fucking sad. i did quite well for ki. clinton just called.. talking to him now.


spent the whole day at home... mostly online. dint go gym like planned... haiz.. tmr got sch. stupid sch. getting back results. i'm not confident... at all... and even though i stayed home the whole day, dint even do any housework. lazy me. maybe i'll start later. oh wells. i feel so slack. like i'm on holiday. seriously i dont believe i gotta go back to that fucked up sch tmr. as usual i'll leave as soon as possible. today the whole day i was wearing boxers as underwear! haha. i noe its crazy of me. lol. i'm so gonna buy more. yep! i got the same kind as martin. the skateboard sort. =)


spent the day nicely today. got out of bed at like 1pm. supposed to fetch vivian from sch at 4. so i decided to act guai to daddy. i blasted music and started to clean my huge desk. yep. since promos ended he's been nagging at my excessive going out and lack of house keeping. so i wiped everythg... sorted out everythg.... pretty proud of myself. but i still got dat mountain of clothes to fold. so after dat i quickly rushed to srjc.
went dere... dear viv was waiting at the junction.... so decided to take a walk wif her in her college. but her sch is apparently super strict at trespassing(unlike mine... count the no of times martin came in...) so i had to wear her pe shirt on top of my top... had mini denim on and black stockings and gothic eyes. wonder how blind the security shithead was. well the sch was pretty depressing... as depressing as tpjc.... the colour of ruling dere was brown... tpjc's green... ew... wads wif dese schs man... so damn mono. finally got out... and took a train to orchard!
went there... and chilled for some time at starbucks. really talked.. so fun talking abt our lives... and the starbucks guy was pretty cute. but he's voice was like a turn off. haha... then we talk talk... after the coffee was done, went window shopping... and guess wad, i got my eyebrows done by a transexual! pretty cool man. something different for once. then we walked somemore... went to far east... where vivian bought for me shagbands and boxers! yay was so damn happy! after dat for dinner we had kfc. and then we parted ways.
dat was the nicest gurls day out ever. really. and tmr i'm seeing her again! to go gym. happy happy.


gotta blog about ytd cos it was nice. btw i just woke up. 1pm now. so lets start.
apparently these days i gotta make myself happy. so tts exactly wad i did, in attempt not to be emo and hibernate and home. in the morning i got dragged out of the house by my dad. we had to go for the early mass because we were supposed to go lunch with aunty vicky for her bday. so because i only had like half an hour to get ready, i dint manage to accomplish the gothic eyes i wanted. but i managed to scrape emo eyes. haha. then went to church.. man that was like the first time i went to church early before the mass started man. i tot i was gonna be super bored in mass. but oh wells i survived. plus its gd to go early for once. then in mass the stupid aircon was right above me! it was damn freaking cold!!! so i wanted to msg martin to bring something for me. but then i dint cos of the tiff we had the day before. so in the end i msged shaun instead. man dat was scary cos we havent been talking for ages and the last time we talked was rather rough and awkward. i actually hesitated for a while but then the air con was really killing me. so i was like no choice. ahhh!! but then he was already in church... so i had to suffer!!!! mass finally ended and i walked out.... damn crowded... and we finally got a cab. in the cab my sister was like. eh u never see augustine ah? and i was like huh no... and seriously i dun care whether i see him or not. it was not like he was gonna make me happy. dat was reserved for others.
went to united sq... ate buffet... it was a rather boring buffet... but it was fun... and it was nice talking to my relatives again. after dat i had to rush to bugis... to meet clinton.
got dere... met him... man it was like going out wif travis barker sial. not dat he looked like travis. but dat was the best i've ever seen him. and his outfit was so damn blink. gawsh. so we went in a club... and it was really funny watching the bands... cos we started dissing them. we watched like 4 bands and only 1 was considrably gd. the other 3 were super sucky man. one was metal so i got nthg to say... but the other two were supposed to be punkrock. they were playing covers from blink and greenday. wahhh dey really made my two most fav bands in the WHOLE world look like shit sia! but it was really hilarious! and me and clinton just sat there sniggering and pretending to rock to the music. hahaha. after that we got really bored... so we left the club.
and we went to orchard.... ate dinner... which was actually fun cos we were comparing my fries to his onionrings. stupid man said onion rings were better. but fries are so much better cos dey're nicer and dey dun make u fart. lol... and later... we just sat and slacked on the railings awhile... until we parted.
and dats not the end of my happy day. after dat i rushed home on train. why? cos i promised vicente i'll bring him downstairs to play fireworks. for days since the latern festival i've promised him i'll bring him down. but i was always out. so i felt really bad. so i rushed home... and brought the kiddo down... and we played fireworks!! yea more like he was playing throwing it around... i just lighted it and walked around... sometimes running like a lunatic. the mats ben and all were dere.. embarrassing sial. but i love my bro so anythg for him man. and the stupid wind kept blowing the candle. so i had to light and light over and over again. and the wind kept blowing the flame to my finger. so my finger's pretty raw. but it was fun.
then i brought him up... and went to bathe.
after bathing... i was chatting with vivian... actually i was talking to her the whole day via sms. but now it was on msn. she have exams today so i was making plans... i'm gonna fetch her from srjc at 4 after her papers... then we're gonna go out. yup! why? cos remember i need to make myself happy? yea... so happiness here i come!
after that i was very tired. so i switched off chanel... and went to slp. and martin called!! and we talked things out. he's such a nice kid. in the end he was saying how he noes its his fault etc. but i knew it was more of mine so i just told him i understand... but he still insisted it was his fault. man.... dats so unlike some ppl. so now i got a fren back! two frens ytd. shaun and martin. and they pressumably went away for the same reason. (cant state here)
lying down... clinton called... and he apologised for the rushed day. (why so many ppl apologising man? i was not used to it. cos usually i dont get apologies...) then he took out his elect guitar and started immitating the stupid bands we saw dat day... it was damn fun. he wanted me to sing. but i only sang to the ppl i close to so i felt weird and i dint sing... then he was abt to go out so he sang me to slp man. yea. he sang a few slow punkrock songs... then i was slpy... then dats when... my happy day ended.
you were everything, everything that i wanted
we were meant to be, supposed to be
but we lost it
all of the memories so close to me just fade away
all this time you were pretending
so much for my happy ending.


yes im lost. after lying in bed the whole day being emo, martin asks me to company him walk his dog. so i went cos i thought taking some fresh air will do me good (even though the haze is still dere)... but i felt useless just staying in bed. and i wasnt exactly very happy the whole damn day. and martin has never failed to make me smile. so i decided to go... but i later found myself stranded alone. why? i think its cos of me. i screwed things up when martin started dissing kartik. hais.. i feel so damn loser now. with no one. the feeling sucked having to walk home alone. i guess more bad blood with more friends. so now i'm here stuck back in bed... come to think of it, i dint eat lunch or dinner today. fuck. and the time is nearly eleven. fuck. but i so have no mood sial... what the hell do i do now... hais... i think i'm going to tidy up my room and eat while checking out whats on tv. btw today i went across leon's profile. he's attached. not that i want to be his gf. but it shows that ppl move on. after i rejected him. hais...





first day after promos. dont know if things were really as happy as intended. i dont wanna speak about it. instead, lets talk about life and death. which do you reckon is better?
life
u get to be with the people you love, and hopefully they love u too. you get to experience the pleasure of human's colourful emotions. love, happiness, satisfaction. you enjoy the beauty that the world hides and opens only to those who want to see. you get to feel that tingly sensation when you get touched by the grace of others.
death
you dont have to live in a world of lies, backstabbers and people who care with consipiring intentions. you dont have to feel sad. you will never cry. you wont have sad days. you wont have to cry to slp. you wont experience the sick plunging feeling when a good day drops to become a bad one. you wont have to pressure yourself to succeed in something.
so which is better? living and feeling happy while sad, or dying and escaping the sufferings of the world? then it boils down to which is greater, the happiness or the sadness? but then we will never know right? because our lives have not ended. im just 17. i cant weigh the happiness and sadness. cos who knows wad might happen along the road. so i guess, i gotta live. therefore life wins. just because of the time factor it holds.


promos ended today. finally. its been wad, 2 weeks since i blogged? well i dont know whether its really cos i was studying very hard... i tink its more like i was trying to study and whenever it was impossible due to my short span of concentration, i still wouldnt blog so as not to feel too guilty about not doing work. i mean its so much consience-wise easier to stare into blank space and daydream than to deliberately on chanel and blog. so yea. and also the time that has passed hadnt been all too pleasant as well. so like my old motto- if too fucked up will be too fucked up to blog. so one could say i was pretty much caught up anyways.
so lets talk about wad had passed so far... hmm the promos, well i think i kinda screwed it up. ok i noe i did. i cant say i worked very hard for the paper... so i expect to be kicked out of ki next yr... enough of promos the thought of it makes me feel like shit. sch wise, well i've been ponning sch a lot past few weeks. and i cant say it was fully utilised to study. sometimes i was just feeling really too fucked up to go sch. so now i'm gonna make a point to stop all this stupid slacking attitudes and go to sch. (yea right) no but seriously, i wanna start focusing on project work and hopefully my class service learning. and i still gotta teach kartik gp. so yea thats my short term plans for now.
friends wise, i havent seen vivian for so long. man, miss dat gal. and cheryl, where'd u go?! hmm vivian and i might be meeting some time soon... she still has promos. moving on, i'm still mad about blink 182. i love blink! i love travis barker the best.