its like a vacuum in time. i dont want to get out of my room and face reality. and continue life. not now, not now when i still feel lousy and useless. not now when i dont want to have to do all that again.

i'm in a reflux kinda thing... folding my clothes. to show family that i'm still sane. chatting with bryan. eating ice. scared of coming out.

and glancing at my phone ever so often. hoping for some spark. from work of course.

Labels: blank, memory, No Reservations

i think i'm on another planet with u?

no no no. i dont think that great.

that would only be for 150% fun and friendship.

which i only had once.

Labels: eyecandy, jujubee, memory

not going to blog much today.

1. yesterday, mummy del joana and i hung out at white sands. bought loads of stuff, it was rather fun.
2. got to see sous chef today! finally after so long.
3. the french couple are leaving tomorrow. i'm seriously going to miss them. he had such quirky harry potter looking glasses. well i'm glad i made a good impact on their stay here in singapore. they may come back later this year, but i doubt i'll be around... ):
4. on lj for-my-eyes-to-see-only.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, blood ties, eyecandy, memory, No Reservations

today is a nice monday. a nice monday for a pajama date.

pajama dates are reserved for really-awesome-nice-person. like bf material. but unfortunately, there's no one like that for me at the moment.

oh wells. it's like no one's really cut out just yet.

you know last year, i had a "boyfriend".

i was quite sick of people hitting on me in school, trying to find out stuff about me, so my dear Qashrul so graciously agreed to be my "boyfriend".

everything was a show so that people around would think we were together.

i'm still grateful for that.

that's something random about me.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, boys, memory, the boy

i really miss and love that person in you that went as fast as he came.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, jujubee, memory, Newport, the boy

trying day for everyone at home.

i just hope i dont get any more frustrated.

i think the educated think differently. then there's the conflict between reason and pure convention. (thinks of msquek)

i admire those that independently go forward with reason despite facing opposition from the close conventional. a part of me wants to be like that. by yourself, and along with the sensible support of fellow intelligentsia, you know you're right. but a bigger part does not want to be that way, even though refusing only welcomes great frustration.

and what's holding me from escaping into reason is the fear of exclusion from something i hold dearest. the ties that bind, that are more valuable than any certainty and calm that reason will offer my mind.

i dont think i can be that cold to ignore the clutching ties.

but i still admire. cos when frustration heightens, that seems like the most superior solution. but the most independent.

hence i admire dumbledore and msquek.

caught in between two schools, two ideologies, i am constantly trying to reconcile the two vastly different realms.

in detail, that mainly consists of me struggling to enlighten the conventional to reason. but convention by nature is hard to persuade. and hence, it is emotionally frustrating for me.

many a time, i just want to conclude that they don't see like i do. anyway, the mechanism of logic fully convinces me i'm not wrong. but it's more complicated than that, cos firstly, there's emotions involved. people get hurt. and yes, i may think better. but, i will never want to live without convention. because, convention is loyal.

and i treasure them. that is why i don't give up. the persuasion, i do cos it's in my nature to be rational. i cannot live in ignorance of logic. i dont see why anyone should. i crave that the people i care about understand like i do.

i crave to be understood.

should convention change?  i want to say yes. but then, logic unexpectedly stops my conscious as well. why.. cos, maybe i'm not wise. i've learnt that wisdom is not logic. and, maybe convention is wiser. and maybe thats what counts?

i hope to be wise one day. i guess that comes with time. when i acquire that, i'll have both logic and wisdom. i wonder if they're compatible. instinct tells me no. but then again, something can be "logically wise"....

till then, i am who i am. learning where i walk. reason may be the path i'm taking right now. but i'm not going to lose anything valuable to it. even if that means i go through frustration.

okay. those are my thoughts. and now i think of vivian. about how "every visit to louiza's blog is to figure out what she's trying to say today".

i just had to get all of that out.

guess now i'll just go do something to make myself feel a bit better.

oh and, on a lighter note, i'm pretty touched by the number of concerned responses i got to my msn personal message yesterday - "you really broke my heart,"

just to be clear, no one broke my heart. (:

at least not recently that is.

that phrase is from Coldplay's The Hardest Part and it really hit me yesterday cos it's actually quite meaningful and relevant to my thoughts of late.

like how i'm all relationship phobia cos of him. and then i went to his school yesterday. and how, yet he treated me best.

amazing how someone's prints can last even after they're long gone from meaning.

then that song came into my head and it just amazed me how relevant it was to my mind.

nothing more.

so yes, sorry for worrying everyone. i'm totally fine.

but future bf, BEWARE.

many people will smash you if you break my <3

no pressure. haha.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, blood ties, daddy, fallacy, hogwarts, JKR, jujubee, memory, muse, the boy, vivian

I iDay

today, is iDay.

i own iGang.

vi is iLeader.

other iProducts that i can recall....

iEmerge

iStalk (a big hit)

iBag

II iStpats

st patrick's is officially my favourite school, even if i dont get to teach there.

it's just amazing. historically, and boyishly.

it's a fun school, and thanks again russell for the tour i never had.

III iBoy

finding another you.

you really broke my heart.

but, it was the best i ever had. and for that, the bar is higher than everr. and i feel stupid. i feel bad. i make others feel bad. i dont quite like it, but neither do i wna settle for anything less.

i'm relationshiply traumatized. cos of u.

but u were so good to me.

so i'm thinking, since it sucked in the end, it's definitely not the best out there. so there's definitely better than that.

better than u.

but u treated me so nice. without asking. and now i feel like a demanding freak. asking. for the first time in my life. actually asking.

ah wells. whats the hurry....

and fights... i dont like them.

i dont think i'm budging... till someone daringly paints me the portrait of perfection.

i am iConfused.

(WTF I JUST RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM APPLE. -_-...)

i want to talk to iRudy for awhile.

oh and, Rudy makes me confused. he's like the first person to seriously provoke me in that area that i havent thought of for more than a year.

and i am iScared.

i will iShutup now. 

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, boys, eyecandy, fallacy, grey's anatomy, jujubee, memory, the boy, vivian

just cant sleep.

you know, i've been having food cravings often when i'm home. random things like a particular kind of chips... some dish... a drink... etc. but cos i'm so darn lazy, i end up not satisfying any craving at all. like i'll be too lazy to go out and get it.

so then it got me to remember, those times when i was in relationships. day or night, if i wanted something, we'll go get it immediately. lotsa 24 hour shops around my place. so i just have to make one phone call, and next thing i know, we'll be setting off on a late night adventure.

i liked that.

or if i was sick and couldnt leave the house, then the object of craving will come to me. an awfully sweet gesture i must add.

i guess that's one nice thing about being in a relationship. being taken care of. i miss that. but despite missing that, i wouldnt get into a relationship cos of these "nice things". i dont know. in the end, it's all hurt.

besides, i have daddy who gets me the stuff i wanna eat. but not at 4am in the morning, unfortunately.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, memory

dear vivian and cheryl,

i have a proposal. i was thinking of regular conference calls. like say once a week? to update each other on our lives, catch up, etc? what do you say?

okay anyway, readers, sorry for not blogging of late. i've been rather busy... taking care of delilah, helping parents put up xmas decorations. (mom's obsession of creating an orchard road... ) and i've spent more time with daddy these days. which is nice.

i've also started taking some serious pictures. like photography kind? haha. i'm noob, but yeah i'm working on it. maybe i'll post some pictures up? but in the mean time, you guys can check my facebook album.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=70852&l=e22e0&id=535818199

i really want to know what mr qashrul thinks.... (shout out!)

and i've been reading more... harry potter. (: seriously i wanna marry sirius black and severus snape. either one. i am deeply in love with them.

sad. they BOTH died.

SAD.

sad.

or firstly dont even exist. please give me a guy like that. pretty please.

okay enough of my rants, thank you everyone for still checking out my blog. and i'm referring to both local and foreign readers. stats have not fallen.  muuuuacckshx!

but i notice i have no readers from the UK.

oh did u know, i have this weakness for the male british accent. SERIOUSLY. since dec last year when i encountered HARRY POTTER abroad the cruise i went in the US. (for more info, refer to DEC 07) it was wicked.

and this fetish has erupted of late... especially for the cockney accent.

*louiza dies

i already told daddy i plan on going solo to london next year. hopefully i get to do just that! (:

i've made it a pact to read the newspapers everyday even though As are over. okay random fact.

and when i go to london, i'm gonna grab a brit boy and ask him to speak and speak and speak. and i'll just listen and drool. or maybe i can ask someone over the internet to call me. omg! rad idea!

aston merrygold, the one person i wanna meet, HE'S BRIT. and rowan atkinson, i've been watching him a lot of late. i think he was really hot when he was younger. now he can be hot too, if he isnt on set for his mr.bean character.

okay louiza is RANTING. and louiza hates americans who pretend to have british accents. but louiza's still gonna talk in her american accent when she wants to. (:

but i dont see myself fit to speak brit! hahahaha. its too majestic. hahaha okay sorry for the rant.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, boys, cher, chrismukkah, eyecandy, hogwarts, memory, the aftermath, the boy, the girls, vivian

Labels: memory, through lens

went TM with dad and del.

ran into viv and zai and josiah.

went for a SUPER SUPER SUPER long night walk with jun yuan. highway, the doggywalk trail.

my feet is effing killing me. using isqueeze now.

ok gna eat something!

Labels: blood ties, chrismukkah, memory, summer, through lens, vivian

ok the post is, 12/11/06

Labels: memory

just finished to bathe, so let me account my day.

oh first things first, i want to state a few things

Preamble (p.s. a preamble is an introduction, not really the main gist of what something aims at presenting, but just to start things off) (:

1. one advantage of having a bf i can drag the person to where i wna go. like shop, window shop, visit stupid art galleries, go buy books, sit and read, go to random stuffs, etc. i dont do that with friends cos i dont like dragging my friends to stuff i want to do. usually when i'm out with friends, i enjoy doing what we as a group decide on. i hardly bring up my crazy ideas. i'm not a "lets-do-what-i-want" person with friends. cos i dont want them to be any potentially bored with what i wanna do. hmm. im only comfortable being "lets-do-what-i-want" with boyfriends, and my friends when i was a kid. and the latest girl that i can remember being comfortable enough to be "lets-do-what-i-want" is Cheryl. probably cos i've known her since so young. i so so love that fact. and maybe Debbie. but mostly Cheryl.
2. at present, my bf that i drag around is my bro vicente. so liyana will have to share. i dont care. hmmph! today bro made me sad so he promised to make up with ice-skating. i actually whined to my bro. omg. hahahaha.
3. one advantage of having a bf also is to be able to do weird random stuff with someone. like write resolutions together!~ omg i loved that.
4. one advantage of having a bf is cos we can be crazy together. jump on the bed, chase each other around with "weapons" omg i so have to find that post when martin and i tried to kill each other.
5. one advantage of having a bf is also cos we can fight! like have tickle wars, and try overpower the other, pin the fella down.
6. k the list goes on, i'll stop here.

i went for evening mass cos as u know i woke late and didnt go with family. ):

but today the priest gave an EFFING touching sermon. i actually cried.

ok not cried. but tears did fill my eyes. but i didnt let it fall, cos i was alone and i'll look like some idiot crying. (ADD TO LIST!: can cry on bf.)

(ADD TO LIST: can injure and fight with bf, but never get whacked. (: )

yeah i dont want to forget that sermon.

took bus to hougang. met family at family friend's house. dinner there.

bus was so so crowded, and its so sweet of the guys to offer me their seats. so i didnt have to stand. (:

came home, went pasar malam awhile with mummy and vicente.

then went walk with jun yuan awhile.

bathed. and came home.

ok off to find that post!

thanks for reading

love, louiza.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, blood ties, boys, cher, Dirty $exy Money, God, memory, Newport, summer

this post is gna suck cos im suffering from a super bad headache. nevertheless, i have to note down the thoughts in my mind.

so, sorry for the unglam literary skills.

firstly i love my teachers, most of em.

mr koh has this perpetual cheery way of speaking that makes me smile no matter what.

and i just talked to mr ali (between elfy n i: our friend "ali" the best form teacher ever) for like almost an hour and seriously till this year, i've never thought teachers were humans.

or friends.

in fact in sec school they were one thing.

enemies

or make that two.

people who kept tormenting louiza cos they were goody two shoes with no life and just couldnt "understand" the ways of louiza.

so dramatic huh. story of my life.

so yeah, i really really love my teachers.

oh not forgetting, favouritest. (not a word i noe)

miss quek. note to self, return her book!

and mr tan.

seriously, this year is like a turning point for me in my education life. in a sense that, i actually started liking my teachers. not only cos they didnt give up on me, but i actually realise their super nice people. who are fun to talk to.

omg srsly, they are.

[k if this post is getting too geeky and weird, exit now.]

i mean like mr koh taught me lots of neat tricks. he's still the SMARTEST being around to me! practicality! and we frequently talked about the stuff he studied in NUS. numbers are so magical! and the afternoons spent having fun with vectors. wow. i'm srsly gna miss that.

and mr ali, for talking to me about all the nice stories in history. even though they're not in syllabus. he'll talk about the russian rev. or french rev. just cos i like it and i asked stuff about it. and also about his NUS learnings too. and about coffee. and stress. and the list goes on and on and on.

and miss quek, teaching me all those health stuff! super interesting. and always answering my weird questions. and AND AND SHARING MY LOVE OF HARRY POTTER!!! ok maybe she didnt really love harry potter. but for the writing of my "book" i'd like to think she made herself as interested as i was, to facilitate my writing of it. getting excited at every possible idea i had, no matter how dumb it may have sounded.

seriously i think these people are the best.

wow. this post srsly sucks. i believe i can do a lot better if circumstances (headache, tired) were better. damn. same way i think i could have done my As better.

oh wells.

life's about learning right?

so this wouldnt be the last you'd hear from me about these awesomest people. i'm srsly nevr gonna forget them. especially one of them. those who read my lj private should noe. even from the public posts probably would have some idea.

oh one more update about me. i was flirting with the prospect of becoming a journalist. writing articles. what do u think? but then after thinking about that, i was like hmm... what about something more exciting. like a fashion magazine editor. but not the stupid ones in singapore. like the ones in Milan. like vogue. vanity affair. etc.

wow tt'll be so cool. when i migrate there, and if the time is right, (and circumstances of course) maybe i'll move to new york. (:

ok thats all for now.

p.s. this blog is active again. watch this space for better (i hope) posts.

love, louiza.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, elfie, hogwarts, memory, muse, sick

i'm loving that pic. 27 nov 2006. the punkrock + emo. i think the mix was just sweet.

and i notice all the pix are like night time.

where's the night life??

oh p.s. i'm hating the other person. but i just love that pic!~

gnarly.

Labels: memory, through lens

before i forget, i should say this first.

daddy randomly bought me a beatles shirt. hahahs. how random. yet nice. thank you. *takes a bow~

k next.

today i intended to wake at 8am to do math.

but i didnt.

i think i'm slacking too much.

am i?

i mean sept hols, i should be studying right?

but then also, i feel like i should give myself a break, before term starts, and i sprint towards the exam of my life.

and its not like i'm totally mentally stagnant. i do a considerable amount of work everyday.

just doesnt feel as stress as during term. i spose thats why i feel slack.

no stress.

yet.

anyways, i woke at 2.

today is Eating Day

i cant blog long if i want to wake by 6.30 to be at missquek's house by 9. so sorry about the lack in particularity.

vicente was bugging me to wake since 1.

i only got up at 2.

got dragged to walk to central to buy lunch. apparently we were the only two at home, cos the whole world went out without us, including del. hahas.

so we bought this HUGE box of fried rice.

watched ugly betty at the same time eating. i ate a HELL lot. till i was damn full.

it was firstly very hot, then it began to rain.

then around 4, i went to bathe.

vicente went to tm to meet daddy and del. i got ready to meet elfy.

he picked me at 5.30, sorry i kept u waiting, i couldnt decide on the footwear. lolsz... so technically i was early. i was just standing at my door.

the hawker centre we ate at at eunos, was crowded as everyone wanted to break fast.

this HOT emo dude sat on the same table as ours with his family.

and he fed his younger sisters.

and i just.... STARED..... while elfy sniggered at my dumbinity.

and i ate too. and was even more full, added from lunch.

anyways, it started raining.

trained to paya lebar.

BAZAAR.

damn huge.

DAMN INTERESTING.

elfy = pro malay culturist.

seriously. it was amazingly interesting. like excursion. LOL.

sorry if i blanked out periodically, i was just intellectually provoked in the philosophical sector of my mind. felt like i was in philo class. hahasz.

and elfy is REALLY pro ohkayy. like ahem president of the malay cultural soc in SJI. so i was learning from a pro.

so yeah. excursion. learning journey. whatever the hell u'd call it, it was fun.

like i said, no time. i gotta sleep. but really A LOT of shit happened. but i guess the lessons i learnt will all just be in my mind (as always) for now.

i saw a lot of mats though! hahahsz. some quite hot actually! hahas.

trained to bedok, and took 17 cos i wanted to.

and home.

thanks elfy for the awesome day. i wanna go back there ok? when its more crowded. i wna experience the whole MALAY CROWD thing. ahahszx.

went home, and ate an orange.

did u know, louiza takes 1 hour to eat one orange?

DONT even ask why.

pilates.

bathe.

now here.

to maq, re: orion

ahahs. no worries, u didnt bring up any BAD memories. nothing bad, nothing significant too. just a fragment of a memory.

i'd rather not remember so clearly, but u know, my memory doesnt allow me to forget. hahasz.

orion.

martin liked to watch stars. he taught me what an orion's belt was. and everywhere we went he'll be like pointing up and asking me to look. and i wouldnt bother at first. till he kept tugging at me to look.

hahasz.

yeah so,

Orion's Belt. (:

Daniel Radcliffe

He said this today.

Daniel, who is currently single, also revealed he has no interest in finding a girlfriend because he is too busy.

He added to Details magazine: 'Most of my friends have been girls, and I see how they are with their boyfriends and I think, I couldn't do that. I just don't have the time.'

u know what,

i feel the same way too.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, blood ties, brain food, Dirty $exy Money, elfie, eyecandy, hogwarts, jujubee, memory, news

remember the Orion's belt?

Labels: memory

its times like these that i miss having you around - you'd whisk me off to somewhere cos i can't make up my mind. and you'd hang on the phone with me till my dilemmas are relieved.

but then it wasn't worth it.

i hate this.

i'm stress even when i want to relax. i can't make up my mind. i'm too indecisive. and seeing the seconds tick by, the seconds i waste when i can be doing something fun, gosh that sucks.

SHIT.

someone calm my mind down please. 

feeling like addison from private pract right now. and i'd love for some person to order pizza, drink wine, and watch movies with me right now to drown in mellow uselessness.

hahas.... i hope vicente comes home soon.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, grey's anatomy, memory

if anyone knows me better, i do not curse in anything but english.

no chinese.

canto.

malay.

but english.

the whole day today, my internet has been giving me problems. on and off on and off. like wth.

so after 5 hours of fluctuating success rate, i got irritated.

yes. smacking that stupid refresh button over and over again.

then the words escaped my mouth.

CHEE BYE

then i got a shock. surprised at the nature of my outrage.

then that started a whole process of intercontextuality.

aka. from one thing, u instinctly think of other things through some relations they have with one another.

so i thought. for the whole of last year, i've been in close proximity with a hokkien family. and i learnt a whole load of shit.

so it inevitably rubbed off.

and every time my classmates wonder what is na bei.

i share my invaluable knowledge.

and now i just thought of another thing.

pardon any spelling mistake

KAU PEH.

its kind of like the malay version of jangan merepek.

wow stupid hokkien stuff is flooding my brains now.

and im beginning to laugh.

an image of teasing just entered my mind.

hahas.

louiza and her gangster fetishes.

ho hum.s

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, memory

Labels: memory