jellybeanies
icon, resources, host, host.

i'm in school. class has ended, but i thought i'd stick around to do some work before going off. cos yesterday, i didn't do anything after going home - strickened by that headache from the lack of caffeine and food.

anyway, i just saw two of the cutest and nicest professors. > <

well the first one was a bit awkward. i had just come out of the restroom where i made a decision to not wear my belt anymore. so, i was caught with it around my neck by this cute cute professor. > <

but at least it was mont blanc? hahaha.

then, had to go see tad for some question. > <

okay i'm not gonna waste more time blogging, gonna start with my work now.

Labels: boys, eyecandy, muse, WestBev

for months, i've always rolled my eyes at the countless girls at college who never stop gushing over that professor. but today, i finally realize why he's so damn attractive. not cos of his physique or what, i mean thats an added big bonus, but really, he's awesome in ways deeper than that.

he's hot.

Labels: eyecandy, inspiration, muse, WestBev

so those are captures of the aftermath of writing. reminds me of my thesis days in As. the harry potter book. well, today i have another addition to the collection. haha. aztec human sacrifice rituals. soo, if you have no life and want to do some reading, come ask me for a copy. (:

anywayy, the past 28 hours was hellish seriously. research paper and law finals. but i had D on the same boat with me. so i'm cool (: quite fun actually

the song of the 28 hours was Daniel Bedingfield - Gotta get thro this. Hha. over and over and over again man. i'm saving that for future chiong-ing sessions.

today was interesting cos i encountered the big 3, and the other 3.

the big 3 refers to the awesomely smart sexy professors. haha. i'm sorry pardon my explicit opinion. i just really admire smart people.

took the train with THE lance today. and actually texted denny about it. cos inside joke, i'm lance and he's lance impersonator. so actually having THE REAL LANCE right in front of me while i was rushing to absorb my freaking law book was VERY unnerving. i kinda gave up just about at city hall.

omg lawyers. > <

then at school saw tad, but didnt go follow for smoke cos i was really scared about law, so went to panic-study with denny.

and we saw tad and lance talking and walking together and for like 10 seconds we both just stared at the two of them. LOL. damn funny.

but hotness honestly.

the test wasn't so bad. i hope. > <

then after class, talked to mr ethan moore about class and everything. i seriously enjoyed his classes so, thats something i'm definitely gonna miss. all the philo and stuff. he's one smart guy.

then, denny boy and i went home. he grabbed some yoghurt thingy before. then home!~

and thats the end of the big 3. gosh awesome.

then, comes the other 3.

today something weird happened. i spoke to 3 of my exes.

thats it.

haha.

ciao

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, boys, Dirty $exy Money, eyecandy, grey's anatomy, muse, Newport, silver, through lens, WestBev

you’re so cute.

how you don’t really scold me.

how you catch me staring at you. not that i care if you catch me. you’re irresistible.

your stubbornness is annoying to most. but adorable to me.

your persistence to stick to the rules is awesomely like me. though i won’t really have the guts to persist and tell people they’re wrong.

how you keep reading my words. quite embarrassing actually.

your teasing. it’s just so weirdly geeky. that you had to explain it to me.

and i was more than happy to play along.

by the way, i hate seeing you walk away.

but you came back for me.

you have nice eyes. did you know?

i dont quite want to stay for summer. thats not how i want our interaction to be.

i may be gone by spring anyway. and no, i can’t do that. i’m too stupid for that.

but you always insisted i’m great.

i really dont see it though. no. but it’s awesome to hear you persist about how nice my words are. you have nice eyes. and i’ll listen to anything you say actually. just to stare at you.

but when you go on about how i write so well, you have that smile that’s just too cute. so though i don’t do well with compliments, i swallow them. just so i can enjoy the picture of you happy.

you’re so random. but really, random’s good in my book. i learn a lot from that.

you complained to me today about the 13 hours. and i’ll gladly burn another stick for you.

you’re so cute when you laugh. i made you laugh. and i think that’s the best thing i’ve done today.

i think that’s all. but i wished you knew how much i like being with you.

maybe i’ll steal a hug one day.

maybe.

Labels: boys, Dirty $exy Money, eyecandy, inspiration, muse, silver, WestBev

the Buddha was realistic and objective. he says, with regard to life and the enjoyment of sense-pleasures, that one should clearly understand three things

1. attraction of enjoyment
2. evil consequence or danger or unsatifactoriness, and
3. freedom or liberation

when you see a pleasant, charming and beautiful person, you like him, you are attracted, you enjoy seeing that person again and again, you derive pleasure and satisfaction from that person. this is enjoyment. it is a fact of experience. but this enjoyment is not permanent, just as that person and all his attractions are not permanent either. when the situation changes, when you cannot see that person, when you are deprived of this enjoyment, you become sad, you may become unreasonable and unbalanced, you may even behave foolishly. this is the evil, unsatisfactory and dangerous side of the picture. this, too, is a fact of experience. now if you have no attachment to the person, if you are completely detached, that is freedom, liberation. these three things are true with regard to all enjoyment in life.

well said, Buddha. well said. maybe i should take up this philosophy.

Labels: boys, brain food, eyecandy, louiza speaks, muse

1450

times like this, i find myself feeling like a wreck. where nothing can be salvaged.

but i know that's not true. things can and will get better. eventually, with a bit of time. most of the time sooner than we expect.

but why do i feel so pessimistic? probably cos of the uncertainty. of how long it'll take to cross over. to the side of recovery.

then i ask, why am i here in the first place. at this point. this situation.

then i feel angry. and lousy at myself. for allowing so.

am i really weak?

a bad person, incapable of discipline?

i wouldn't like to think so.

after all, look at how far i've come. since the last break down.

i'm sure it took lots of discipline and virtue.

but then again, if i could just slip like how i have done,

does that show weakness?

 

so i'd like to think of it this way.

i'm only human. and i will slip along the way.

and if the past years have taught me one thing, it is that things can't be undone.

so i'll have to learn, and pick myself up. and change. so it won't happen again.

no point dwelling on something that can't be undone

so now, that's what i'll do.

change.

7 minutes i gave myself to feel depressed and down.

and lousy.

after which, i will now pick up. and start. another chapter. with a stronger mindset.

1457

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, blood ties, muse, Newport, teenagers, this chapter is called...

i'm happy. just watched My Wife and Kids with parents whilst having a cup of long black.

my first coffee in over 2 weeks.

mainly cos my home stock finished and i've been too lazy to get some. and i stopped working at the coffee heaven.

don't get me wrong, i didnt suddenly arise from the lazy stupor. baby got me a big bottle of my favourite German coffee.

yupp, before the comedy, i had just come up from meeting thanaskodi and kuga.

(okay that was weird. calling him kuga. these days he's just baby to me. using that name's weird. haha.)

after work, thanaskodi wanted to buy some stuff cos he's going to thailand for a holiday tomorrow. till friday. WILL MISS HIM.

anyways, kuga baby was nice to accompany him.

and after that, both of them came over. (:

baby bought me lots of stuff. like all of a sudden! heex.

including my coffee, and favourite dark chocolate.

and he also bought me a new bracelet!

the few i always wear broke last week. ):

after like one and a half years.

but i love the new one baby bought me.

 

 

when he does stuff like this, i just can't believe how sensitive he is to me. i mean like. when i just met him, he was a total pain in the flesh. totally rude, insensitive and introverted. and at that time, sensitivity was a total impossibility in my opinion.

and now, he's taking me on his lap and speaking softly into my ear, putting bracelets on my wrists, arranging strands of my hair that strayed.

i feel like a pet. (:

 

 

anyway, couple of months back, i recall blogging about the qualities that dumbledore and ms quek shared. 15th January 2009 that which i admire, but didnt have the courage to undertake.

but last night, kuga really talked to me. and i realize, he also displays these qualities..

and i realize, i can be this way. it's not as impossible as i think it is.

simply by not worrying so much about the future.

Labels: 13 o'clock, Angela Ferilli, blood ties, daddy, eyecandy, hogwarts, kuga starr, muse, this chapter is called..., wordsmagicallyspun

we don't need to go that far, let's hold on to where we are. if it's real, we'll make it through. cos all i need is you.

tomorrow's mother's day. and vivian just reminded me that i'm a mom too.

honestly didnt really occur to me.

let's see how many people remember that.

if you know what i mean.

hmmm.

so, sacrifice.

yeah i think so.

character development?

i think so.

i hope so.

how to cope?

elfy says i still have phobia.

yeah i know.

i'm halfway preparing to bolt as it is.

i dont want pain.

i hate bothering my brain.

think think think.

bleah.

don't worry. nothing that bad.

and maybe that's cos i'm not allowing it to be that bad.

cos of the "phobia"

bleah.

ah wells. lets see how things go.

i'm still waiting for the sign on which path my life will take.

is the freaking sign even going to come?

so... mother's day huh.

sacrifice.

who's gonna even give me credit?

maybe that's why i actually forgot that this day's actually for me too.

=/

so mind-boggling.

why cant i just sit and talk to you.

can i be busy with work.

SIGN AGAIN.

rarh.

yes i'm crazy.

this is so weird.

i'm not normal.

ughhh.

never mind. think, character development character development.

and there are WORSE out there.

*comfort.... k now i sound like cheryl in her blog. with all that finding comfort thingys.

never mind now's just the beginning.

bigger picture bigger picture.

lets take a look at what's passed so far.

saturday

kuga started work at 6. i had no mood to go work. but he came to singapore super early. and surprised me otw to work. i start at 11. so he brought me to work... and waited for me to end at 3. then brought me home.

sunday

kuga started work at 10. i went to work super early. at like 9 plus. bought us breakfast. started work early with him.

super busy day. CHAOS.

went to tangles after work. thana made me a nice sandwich.

monday

worked with kuga again.

rushed home in cab... it's the day i saw cheryl.

tuesday

worked with kuga. this time whole day.

but our breaks were different.

i ate a lot.

people kept giving me food.

stewards gave me some chicken dish and rice...

then i went up, thana gave me a ham sandwich.

then i went down, sat with selvam, susan, rose ann, that guy.

more food. some chinese pastry thing. quite nice to chew.

then thana came down, and selvam, i and him were table top talking. for the rest of my break. happiest time of the day for me. selvam's really nice.

dream team. haha. minus kuga. who wasn't on break.

5, went up. worked with christina for almost 2 hours.

kuga bought me chicken rice during his break.

so i went to eat again... this time sat with indra and the handsome manager.

also fun.

but doesnt beat the dream team.

worked with thana at night. awesomeness.

did closing with lots of his help...

went home together... bus didnt stop at his house. haha!

thats for bullying me.

carried on going home.

kuga was at my house.

wow.

hung out for awhile...

went home.

wednesday

worked with kuga again.

at 3 he brought me home.

at macs at white sands.

thursday

worked with kuga again.

friday

didnt work with kuga. worked with muraly.

saturday (today)

worked with kuga, but he started at 12.

talked to elfy otw to work. he made me happy.

after work, we ate macs at shaw.

then i went home, he went back to work.

LJ

so, sacrifice?

envy?

tolerance?

character development.

let's see how long i can live like this.

why i've been working with him so much?

eloisa, whom i always work with, is on leave.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, Aliens Exist, Angela Ferilli, cher, elfie, eyecandy, grey's anatomy, Knights Ridge, kuga starr, louiza speaks, muse, Newport, No Reservations, switchfoot fallacy, wordsmagicallyspun

here's one reason why i dont like to feel for someone or like someone too much.

i'll have to go through missing them

i don't like missing someone in this manner.

it's sad, and it occupies a lot of my emotional consciousness.

to have 75% of your mind wondering is a bit burdensome.

the feeling creeps and affects everything else you're trying to do.

i don't like having to feel like this. which is why i've been staying away from the whole relations shebang.

i sound heartless don't i.

but here's a bit of heart.

missing is good. it show you care enough to be dragged down into feeling something rather gloomy. just for that person. i'd be flattered too.

but,

(here's the negative relationship-pessimistic side of me)

what if at the end of the day it all ends and nothing comes out of all the effort.

then to go along with the devastation of the split, you have a whole awareness of wasted efforts missing that person when you could have used all that energy doing something else more worthwhile.

okay now i sound selfish right.

but that's only cos i know how sucky that aforementioned circumstance feels.

i've gone through it before, and whatever that's losable, i've already lost. so likewise, i also know the potential extent of losses one can go through.

all because, i put in 200% effort. i put in 200% emotion. i put in 200% time.

martin was my life, there was no martin and life. it was just one big metamorphosis.

so now, i have to remain focused, and maintain a life and emotions galore. i can't mix the two, until i know that the one inhabiting in the latter space is worthy enough to cross over.

yes, people, i'm not that heartless after all.

because at the end of the day, being with someone IS about making them a big part of your life. furthermore, in louiza's book, being with someone IS about making them YOUR life. since i'm all spoilt and everything.

okay i feel dirty, and not nice, i'm going to bathe now.

buhbye.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, Aliens Exist, JKR, louiza speaks, muse

not going to blog. just jotting down minutes of the day. for memory's sake of course. feel free to fill in the blanks. (: and you can even ask questions if you're really curious. i dont mind. (: i just dont have the time to really blog. reached home at 1.15am, and i want to sleep by 2.30. still gta bathe and all. so i'm gonna make this short and brief. i just want to remember today.

train to work.

boy in train kept glancing. quite cute. but was busy talking to daddy. finally smiled at him when i was getting off. then an intriguing thought came into my mind... here's someone i may never see again.

work, time flew by. fight.

lunch with hadi and the barman. walked in the heavy rain under ONE umbrella. to far east. fun.

magic mushroom???? germans???

lucky plaza.

barman left. hadi and i had ice cream waffle at gelare.

walked back to club.

was told i had another hour off.

went to staff cafeteria, talking and laughing with selvam, jave and another barman.

terrace. 2 trays.

took bus back with hadi. ear piece.

p.s. i keep bumping into visa.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, blood ties, boys, daddy, eyecandy, grey's anatomy, muse, No Reservations

• acrimonious - bitter, resentful. usually used to describe a dispute.
• Special Risk-Sharing Initiative
• taiwan is considering building a bridge to china. how cute is that. its like they're becoming friends.
• impeccable - having no flaws. PERFECT!
• urbane - polite, refined, elegant. [i'm loving the words. so clearly perfect]
• Mr Charles Goodyear, the new CEO for Temasek Holdings, is so awesome. seriously. calling ppl by their first names all. i want to do that. but i think i'll have to be established first. hahas.
• arrears - unpaid, overdue debt or obligation
• australia's going through hell on earth. it's really sad.
• thats sweet, malaysia's lowering electricity tariffs.
• China is the world's third-largest economy... what are the first two?

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, grey's anatomy, inspiration, muse, news, this chapter is called...

trying day for everyone at home.

i just hope i dont get any more frustrated.

i think the educated think differently. then there's the conflict between reason and pure convention. (thinks of msquek)

i admire those that independently go forward with reason despite facing opposition from the close conventional. a part of me wants to be like that. by yourself, and along with the sensible support of fellow intelligentsia, you know you're right. but a bigger part does not want to be that way, even though refusing only welcomes great frustration.

and what's holding me from escaping into reason is the fear of exclusion from something i hold dearest. the ties that bind, that are more valuable than any certainty and calm that reason will offer my mind.

i dont think i can be that cold to ignore the clutching ties.

but i still admire. cos when frustration heightens, that seems like the most superior solution. but the most independent.

hence i admire dumbledore and msquek.

caught in between two schools, two ideologies, i am constantly trying to reconcile the two vastly different realms.

in detail, that mainly consists of me struggling to enlighten the conventional to reason. but convention by nature is hard to persuade. and hence, it is emotionally frustrating for me.

many a time, i just want to conclude that they don't see like i do. anyway, the mechanism of logic fully convinces me i'm not wrong. but it's more complicated than that, cos firstly, there's emotions involved. people get hurt. and yes, i may think better. but, i will never want to live without convention. because, convention is loyal.

and i treasure them. that is why i don't give up. the persuasion, i do cos it's in my nature to be rational. i cannot live in ignorance of logic. i dont see why anyone should. i crave that the people i care about understand like i do.

i crave to be understood.

should convention change?  i want to say yes. but then, logic unexpectedly stops my conscious as well. why.. cos, maybe i'm not wise. i've learnt that wisdom is not logic. and, maybe convention is wiser. and maybe thats what counts?

i hope to be wise one day. i guess that comes with time. when i acquire that, i'll have both logic and wisdom. i wonder if they're compatible. instinct tells me no. but then again, something can be "logically wise"....

till then, i am who i am. learning where i walk. reason may be the path i'm taking right now. but i'm not going to lose anything valuable to it. even if that means i go through frustration.

 

 

 

okay. those are my thoughts. and now i think of vivian. about how "every visit to louiza's blog is to figure out what she's trying to say today".

i just had to get all of that out.

guess now i'll just go do something to make myself feel a bit better.

oh and, on a lighter note, i'm pretty touched by the number of concerned responses i got to my msn personal message yesterday - "you really broke my heart,"

just to be clear, no one broke my heart. (:

at least not recently that is.

that phrase is from Coldplay's The Hardest Part and it really hit me yesterday cos it's actually quite meaningful and relevant to my thoughts of late.

like how i'm all relationship phobia cos of him. and then i went to his school yesterday. and how, yet he treated me best.

amazing how someone's prints can last even after they're long gone from meaning.

then that song came into my head and it just amazed me how relevant it was to my mind.

nothing more.

 

so yes, sorry for worrying everyone. i'm totally fine.

but future bf, BEWARE.

many people will smash you if you break my <3

 

no pressure. haha.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, blood ties, daddy, fallacy, hogwarts, JKR, jujubee, memory, muse, the boy, vivian

its such a rainy day.

and i dno wad to do. leon, drink, or starbucks.

i like the first option best. 

starbucks 2nd.

i feel cold.

what should i do? watch tv? or read? or sleep?

i feel so random.

anyway, i love love miss choo. my principal.

without her, i wouldnt be where i am right now.

she texted just now, i replied. all's well.

and offered me to teach at tpjc!

thats the 2nd authority there to do that.

mr ali did, then now the principal.

seriously love love her.

but i still doubt my intelligence. but at least its nice to know i'm wanted somewhere...

Labels: muse, Newport

this post is gna suck cos im suffering from a super bad headache. nevertheless, i have to note down the thoughts in my mind.

so, sorry for the unglam literary skills.

firstly i love my teachers, most of em.

mr koh has this perpetual cheery way of speaking that makes me smile no matter what.

and i just talked to mr ali (between elfy n i: our friend "ali" the best form teacher ever) for like almost an hour and seriously till this year, i've never thought teachers were humans.

or friends.

in fact in sec school they were one thing.

enemies

or make that two.

people who kept tormenting louiza cos they were goody two shoes with no life and just couldnt "understand" the ways of louiza.

so dramatic huh. story of my life.

so yeah, i really really love my teachers.

oh not forgetting, favouritest. (not a word i noe)

miss quek. note to self, return her book!

and mr tan.

seriously, this year is like a turning point for me in my education life. in a sense that, i actually started liking my teachers. not only cos they didnt give up on me, but i actually realise their super nice people. who are fun to talk to.

omg srsly, they are.

[k if this post is getting too geeky and weird, exit now.]

i mean like mr koh taught me lots of neat tricks. he's still the SMARTEST being around to me! practicality! and we frequently talked about the stuff he studied in NUS. numbers are so magical! and the afternoons spent having fun with vectors. wow. i'm srsly gna miss that.

and mr ali, for talking to me about all the nice stories in history. even though they're not in syllabus. he'll talk about the russian rev. or french rev. just cos i like it and i asked stuff about it. and also about his NUS learnings too. and about coffee. and stress. and the list goes on and on and on.

and miss quek, teaching me all those health stuff! super interesting. and always answering my weird questions. and AND AND SHARING MY LOVE OF HARRY POTTER!!! ok maybe she didnt really love harry potter. but for the writing of my "book" i'd like to think she made herself as interested as i was, to facilitate my writing of it. getting excited at every possible idea i had, no matter how dumb it may have sounded.

seriously i think these people are the best.

wow. this post srsly sucks. i believe i can do a lot better if circumstances (headache, tired) were better. damn. same way i think i could have done my As better.

oh wells.

life's about learning right?

so this wouldnt be the last you'd hear from me about these awesomest people. i'm srsly nevr gonna forget them. especially one of them. those who read my lj private should noe. even from the public posts probably would have some idea.

oh one more update about me. i was flirting with the prospect of becoming a journalist. writing articles. what do u think? but then after thinking about that, i was like hmm... what about something more exciting. like a fashion magazine editor. but not the stupid ones in singapore. like the ones in Milan. like vogue. vanity affair. etc.

wow tt'll be so cool. when i migrate there, and if the time is right, (and circumstances of course) maybe i'll move to new york. (:

ok thats all for now.

p.s. this blog is active again. watch this space for better (i hope) posts.

love, louiza.

Labels: ALEXANDER VII, elfie, hogwarts, memory, muse, sick